So my HCG was incredibly low…then it didn’t double…and then there was nothing on the ultrasound…and then the hCG started to drop. I’m waiting for the miscarriage…again.
It’s fuckin crazy. I dont know why this is so hard. We are both adoptees and would have liked nothing more than to adopt a needy baby. BUT the laws and intrusions of adoption for gay couples is absolutely crippling, not to mention the need to fork over $35 THOUSAND dollars!! That is my child’s education!!! The world just seems so incredibly cruel and cold. I want to run away.
Maybe we’re just destined to not have kids. Maybe we’re supposed to work on our art and tell our own crazy adoption stories…but the truth is that I have misplaced my art in all of this waiting for a child. I can’t even find myself most days.
I hate being a dyke failing at this. It makes me feel so betrayed by my gender, like I just don’t fucking belong.
Thankfully I have the best insurance that money can buy & it’s paying for genetic testing to see if there is actually something wrong with me. If so, we will move on to donor eggs! We live in a world where we can “adopt an embryo” that doesn’t NEED anyone, but not the babies that do. Rock on.
I’m so sorry. Miscarriage is heart and spirit breaking. Rest and take care of yourself.
Thank you so much by the way. It was nice to have a kind message during my time of total darkness. It just never gets easier. Even though I had little hope with the low HCG, it was still pretty hard. So thanks!