I Love it…when we’re cruisin’ together.

I promised my lover, a long time before this all began, that I would remain staunchly positive–despite my usual pessimistic self.  I promised her that I wouldn’t worry and fret too much too.  She has such strong beliefs about staying positive and willing things to happen.  We are exact polar opposites in that way.  I was always taught to be completely negative so that I would be prepared for the worse.  She inspires me in that way and always gives me her light.  I am so grateful for that light for all these many years.  I don’t think anyone believed we would last through the summer after graduation.  Maybe I didn’t even think we would either.  Something so passionate rarely lasts (my pessimism shines through again).

So my horoscope for Wednesday was weird:

Your key planet Saturn is locked in a tense dance with healer Chiron today and it’s up to you to figure out how to take this uncomfortable energy and turn it into a positive expression. You have the potential for grace in your life now, but you must be able to forgive someone or even yourself. The realization that no one is to blame can free you to process an old wound and move on with your life.

And allow me to explain my Wednesday.  I was home working on some budgeting stuff–going to the bathroom every hour, trying to eat baby carrots, and sip ginger ale all day to keep the heartburn at bay.  I had planned to attend an evening dinner cruise with my lady for the conference she has SLAVED on for the past two years (not even her job, but she was stuck doing it).  I wanted to go, but I just felt so sick and gross all day and it was gray and overcast.

Well somewheres around 3pm, the sun burst through the clouds and I started to feel like maybe my horoscope was telling me that I should just get my “pukey ass” up and get on a boat.  I mean, I’m already nauseas and where better to puke than over the side of a boat with a bunch of people that I’ll NEVER see again and none of them even speak english!?!?

So at the last minute, I told M that I was coming!  She was elated that I had changed my mind.  I downed some ginger ale and grabbed a to-go of baby carrots and raced downtown to Navy Pier.  I’ve missed La-la too much this week and I decided that spending the evening alone would only make me fret and worry about things that are out of my control.  But I had no idea how really important it was…

The cruise had a delicious buffet and an OPEN BAR.  I could’ve gotten SMASHED.  When the cute bartenders said “We were told to TAKE CARE OF YOU TWO–ANYTHING YOU WANT!” with his big I-get-lots-of-tips smile to which I unfortunately said “I’d like a ginger ale…with cherries.”  Hahaha…kind of embarassing but whatcha gonna do?  –Give your not-recently-inseminated lover your drink tickets, that’s what!

We had a wonderful time.  I DEVOURED the vegetables and kept commenting on how good they were, despite the fact that I had Thai BBQ beef on my plate…that is like polar opposites for me.  Mariela laughed and made fun of me about the vegetables and said that I was definitely weird but that she would go back and get me a whole plate of them if I wanted (being the resident vegetarian for the past 10 years).

The boat made me sick a few times kinda bad, but luckily I just kept shoveling food to keep the acids safe in my stomach!  Mariela told me an incredible tale of this past June…that involved me, and lake michigan…making that evening the third time to involve Lake Michigan exclusively.  I don’t know.  It was simply magic.  As we neared the docks, I became more and more anxious to get off the rocking boat though…but extremely glad that I decided to go. It was a perfect night, and a perfect cruise for us to be all alone outside with the city while everyone else babbled about how important their work is…

I can’t wait to have the weekend with my lady.

6 DPO:

I feel like this has been the longest week of my life–not in a bad way, just in an anticipatory kind of way.  I have heartburn every moment of the day.  I pee every hour and I cry reading the paper about stupid things that I don’t even care about.  I smile probably 75% more than usual though.  I craved baby carrots (unusual for me) and then later was reading something about fertility and how baby carrots are thought to be some sort of wonderful for that and for heartburn!  NO WONDER I want them!  They apparently help to make a more alkaline stomach and an overall alkaline body helps promote pregnancy and implantation!  Sometimes its just best to trust your instincts I guess–I never knew, I just knew that I wanted some damn baby carrots. We looked at pregnancy books for a long time at the bookstore last night, Mariela kept showing me (what she thought to be) encouraging pictures of natural childbirth and I seriously almost barfed in the bookstore (not like me). I’m the kid that brought a frog heart home to my grandma from biology class.

I’m jonesin’ to go bike riding really bad but worry that maybe it’s not a good idea to bounce around on my cervix…

Also, I feel like my abdomen has been rented or something.  I have no sex drive whatsoever.  In fact, soon after the inseminations, Sunday morning, I had the most disturbing thoughts…they were like Donna Reed thoughts.  It’s like my brain and vage have been taken over and are no longer under my control…kinda strange.  So I’ve tried to take up other things like reading and crossword puzzles.  Ha!

I’ve worried myself a little because I learned the term “chemical pregnancy” last night and that kinda worried me.  I guess it doesn’t matter at all if you’re “pregnant” this early…it’s just about whether or not it sticks.  But I have complete faith in this little peapod…And speaking of sticking.  I had egg white mucus on 3DPO and 4DPO??  It (of course) slightly freaked me out…and I’ve only read some about “discharge” during pregnancy but not sure if it would happen this soon so I don’t know what that was all about…

Whateva…it’s FRIDAY. Hooray for that!

Agent Delivered!

Wow, I hadn’t even finished my breakfast when the buzzer rang! I panickedidly ran down to the front door!! It was 9:15am! Mariela was on the L going to work. I called her and said “Your baby is here.”  She was excited and told me to send her pictures…

I had walked her to the train and had to fight the dog to leave her–FOR BLOCKS!! He just would not give up looking back for her. He’s adorable that he always keeps the family unit together–at all costs.

Oh, and he’s a Cub Fan…we’re not. But he certainly is. He’s a Clown Dog and he makes the all too serious 9to5′ers smile.

So I’m trying to clean the apartment, because no body wants to be injected with sperm in a dirty room right? And I’d like to take a ride on my bike too, if I have time to get some more Chai Tea and Pineapple. Yeah…so I better get back to it.

I’m so nervous about the timing. My sex drive is through the roof, my temperature is crazy wack because of the serious change in weather for Chicago…but my CM has not changed to egg white yet, so that’s good. I’m thinking of doing an OPK at 2pm…and inseminating on the “faint positive” for the first insemination and then maybe just 18 hours after that…and all of this HAS to happen before Sunday afternoon!  Ugh.  I hate Mariela’s job more than she does right now….

Reunited and I feel so BROKE!

Well our car cost almost a million dollars to fix.  It was our good old standard fall–surprise you’re out of money, no car, broke, you betta walk bitches–time of year adventures!  Seriously, we have been together just over 7 years and we have ALWAYS been completely retardedly broke in the fall, but always do something spontaneous and wild.  We always end up destitute and kinda starving and it’s always the times of our lives that we remember the most.  And it’s also the times that we look back on and laugh because we’re lunatics, but god its so much more passionate that way.  I get so bored with the 9to5 culture of the city.  It’s so boring.  I look around at all the suit wearing condo owner/jogging/sports fans and think that we’re aliens, but thankful for it at the same time.

I’m feeling much better now that I’m reunited with my Jettie.  I spent last night chattin on the phone with my dear, crazy friend and that always brightens my spirits.  We talk like old women on the phone and hackle like two cats.  She says hilarious things about me trying to have a baby…[in a very pronounced Wisconsin accent] “Ah. You’re not going to be able to drink!” Haha…yeah I kinda know that.  “What are you going to do if you get a bunch of those eggs stuck up there?  Are you gonna have that shit sucked outta there–or are you gonna end up having quadruplets or somethin’??” Bwahahaha!  Laugh, she makes me cry.  God love her for even thinking that much or caring.  But why on earth would I have that many eggs?? I respond.  Obviously she’s been talkin’ to somebody that warned her of fertility treatments!  I’m like–no one in my family ever even had twins, why would I have quadruplets!?!?

She’s a riot.  I wish she lived closer. I hate the politics of Wisconsin or I’d move there just to act like old antique collecting fags with her more often.

I worked from home today and wow I really needed it.  I have been majorly stressing about this proposal at work and it’s not even over yet…but by Wed. @ midnight…it will be!  Hooray.  So for lunch, instead of eating, I decided to take a bike ride and thoroughly enjoyed myself.  I hate to “declare victory” but it was such a terrific ride!  I didn’t encounter ONE ASSHOLE!  That’s a first in the 3 years that I’ve lived in Chicago.  I cannot go outside without seeing someone that is just an asshole, doing something “assholey” (to quote Mariela).

It was nice to just get on my bicycle without even having a destination.  I rode to Southport and hooked up with the bike lane and just followed it until it ran out at Clybourn.  There was an awesome view of the city and a huge B&N Bookstore so I had to check out their lesbian baby book selections before returning of course.  I want to find more books to read, but surprisingly, it is somewhat difficult.  Considering Women & Children First, in the lesbian neighborhood, didn’t have really anything for lesbian’s having babies I thought, well checking a big ole corporate store couldn’t hurt at this point.  Yeah, well it didn’t help either.  Nothing.  They had one book that just looked stupid.  It was all about raising your children to be safe, stable, blah blah blah–feely, societal, overload.  So I shoved on.  But hey, at least I found a new movie theater that we can ride to entirely on a bike path…that’s THREE movie theaters…all on bike paths around us.  Pretty sweet, too bad we’re too broke to go to the movie.  I LOVE when we take nightly missions on our bikes–we ride the streets like two of the youngest “Outsiders”…the night air and lights on my face always makes me feel like “we’re lookin’ for trouble”…ha.

So I guess I’m going to have to ORDER lesbian baby books from Ahole.com instead of a real bookseller.  That stinks.  Maybe I can check out the bookstore in Milwaukee this weekend and get lucky with a better selection.

I tried to find this amazing picture book of Colombia again to look through, but couldn’t find it.  I can’t find anything when Mariela isn’t with me at the bookstore.  It’s pretty funny.  I’m extremely intelligent, but then there are these shockingly ignoramus things that I do or can’t do…like find a picture book.  But anyway the point is that I wanted to see more of what the “average” Colombian looks like…their color…facial features, etc.  I mean, I know what “my” Colombian looks like, but I guess I’m just really nervous about what the donor looks like?  Maybe that’s completely crazy.  I never wanted to worry about such a thing, but now that it’s approaching, I have to say that I’m a little more worked up.  I think that maybe ordering the photo might be a good thing…

But as a sidenote, as if I don’t make enough of them, the pictures of Colombian were absolutely beautiful that I did find.  I have such vivid dreams of going there someday and seeing it all with La-la.  It looks incredible.  I really want our babies to be connected to Colombia too.  I just shouldn’t even think about what he looks like.  It really doesn’t matter to me.  And it’s not that “I’m worried” about it–but just that I can’t stop thinking about it and want some confirmation–obsessing, that’s the word.  And it’s something that I promised I wouldn’t do. 

P.S. I think today was the first day without noticeable pain in my jaw in 10 days.  Whew! I can’t wait to sleep tonight.

My Other Lady

So I woke up even more gutted–after dreaming that our baby would be ugly or dumb or not right because of me–and LATE for my appointment with VW. Thankfully I fell back asleep at 5am, but had bad dreams the whole time. What the hell was this guy even like? Does it matter? What if he’s weird? What if our baby was strange looking? Dreams of just my fears basically…that we’re just not good enough…perhaps we aren’t.

Maybe I should break down and buy the baby photo of the donor? I had wanted to wait to see if it worked with him, but maybe I should just buy it. But then I probably can’t even afford it at this point…

To add to the current state of turmoil, VW called and said that my car needs just short of a miracle. Jettie’s water pump has crapped out, causing the need for a new timing belt and serpentine belt as well because…well why not right? So how the hell am I supposed to do that?

But if there’s one thing I know in this life–it’s that I can count on Jettie to get me out of a jam when the going gets tough. I may need that car to blaze across the sky. She (well her sister) didn’t let us down, well okay she kinda let us “down” but ohhhhh so gently in our roll-over wreck in Phoenix. Most people probably wouldn’t walk out of a traumatic wreck like that and go buy almost the same exact car, but I did. I was married to that car. She saved the only thing that I cared about in the world…Mariela.

I feel indebted to that car. She’s stronger than I am. She did what I couldn’t–what I failed to do. After seeing the sunroof smash into the sand and the hi-fidelity car stereo screaming Stevie Nicks’ I hear there’s trouble in Shangri-La cut off…I thought that my life was over. I couldn’t see a thing. The dust was so thick…but when I reached out and met Mariela’s hand grabbing for mine, I just knew that it would all be okay. Jettie had saved us, no two ways about it. We walked away with only one small scratch on my arm and a bruise on M’s shoulder. I think, it was the most incredible day of my life.

But then, I was taught to live for raw emotions and adrenaline. Hence, I would probably be a lousy parent.

But in honor of my Jettie…laid up in the service bay today…a short film, of the photo roman genre, we created about the trials of transportation…very fitting for a day like today:

Moto Mirage from CopyCatFilms on Vimeo.





I love you Jettie…we’ll ride again…soon!

More Matches for our Fire

We are working to finish our dining room/studio table–a door that brings many new doors to open. I’m to the point of actually just pouring the (hopefully) second to last coat of envirotex. Today I was bombarded with an unexpected visitor to look at the apartment. Does this mean we’re moving out? I should’ve asked. Apparently the building is up for sale…hmm. Maybe that’s another match under our feet to hit the road?

Speaking of fire on the road. Yesterday evening we were cruising along Clark St., just south of Andersonville–ya know, “the lesbian neighborhood.” Yeah lesbian, my lesbian asshole. Clark St. is a narrow, two-lane with parking on both sides and a shared bike lane that is FREQUENTLY used by cyclists. In fact, it is one of the only good routes North-South for bikes. Well, this asshole in his “new” used Cadillac comes ROARING around us in the parking lane/bike lane. It’s dusk…a bicycle would be hard to spot at those speeds, in that light. So I’m pissed…to say the least. I pull up next to his temporary plated Caddy and begin “WHAT THE FUCK?? EVER HEARD OF A BICYCLE LANE??” Then the bleach blonde whore in the passenger seat with the fake tan and chrome plated sunglasses turns to me and says “there were no bicycles” as she blows smoke out the window at me, and the lady bicyclist at the light (who seemed pleased that I was ranting on about protecting the bike lane). I don’t miss a beat–an argument like that would rarely keep me down. So I retort with “what if there were?? It’s still FUCKING ILLEGAL and you could’a killed somebody!” He rolls her window up…probably so that his greasy hair wouldn’t dry too quickly. But the sunroof was open so that she could vent her cigarette pollutants into the air. I quipped–“you’re just an ASSHOLE!” He rolled her window down and said “And you’re a dyke bitch!” I smiled one of my big award winning smiles without missing a beat and said “YOU FUCKING BET I AM–I GET MORE PUSSY THAN YOU!”…as he tries to speed off…knowing that both he and the fake tanned huzzy know it’s true.

Did he think that I didn’t know? Is he really that MIDWESTERN that he wouldn’t assume that I was an out lesbian that is perfectly comfortable with my “dyke” ways? I hate the midwest. I don’t know why I ever came back here, but I hope to find out soon so that I can leave. Hate crime slurs in the lesbo neighborhood–yeah, Chicago’s cool alright. Cool in January.

Ha, what a joke.  I wish that California was a place for poor artists like us…but along that vein, we are officially opening the CALIFORNIA FUND for this family.  We’re saving money…to jet outta this crap.

Wii Ride for Wii Fit

Our weekend was so awesome.  It’s sad that we never meet people like us because god we would all have so much fun!  I can’t wait to hitch up our buggy and head out one of these days…to greener pastures with cooler people that like to have fun.  And by “fun” I don’t mean the yuppies having a CUBS party IN our bedroom Saturday night either!  They really rented a big screen TV to put in their yard and a karaoke system.  Basically it was some lame, fat dude screaming on a PA into my bedroom…Boys to Men, I’ll Make Love to You…while the only 3 girls left at the party were dogs and obviously sticking together and all kind of staring at him in pity.  “Give it up dude, no one’s going home with you!” We’re such bitches.  I setup our camera (which is rather large and serious looking with the boom mic and all) in the window and right when he busted into the chorus, I flipped the scoop light on that I had so carefully attached to the window to light up his face…

I finally had to call the cops…I just couldn’t handle them all watching us have sex (again).

So, regardless of what a terrific time we have been having by our lonesome, I worry that Mariela is going insane.  I think it would be really nice to go visit some family this weekend, eh hem…our new little nephew that’s 3+ months old.  I can’t wait to pinch his little face.

But…ever since I started taking the chaste berry, I am like obsessive compulsive over the apartment.  I just can’t help myself.  I just want it to be “done” before we start with the inseminations.  I have less than a month now but I have done SOOOOO much already.  “I”…”we” have done so much!  Mariela was so cute the other day.  She grabbed the package of the new CO2 detector/smoke alarm and started installing it…saying that she needed “to protect her family.”  She’s really cute.  Maybe it isn’t really the chaste berry at all.  Maybe its just the total funk and depression that I’ve been in the whole time–blaming myself and Mariela that we just couldn’t be good enough and that we would fail.  Since she has made it so real for me, I feel so much more motivated now.  It’s like I was sleeping for a long time…too scared to dream.  Now it’s just all I can do.

Hopefully we can get our new bed from Ikea the following weekend?  I don’t even know if it will fit in our little Jetta though…

Speaking of transportation issues.  We went out Sunday morning on our bikes and it was MAGNIFICIENT.  We rode for about 2 hours solid.  I’ve missed riding everyday SO BADLY.  We rode up to the lesbo hood, Andersonville, for a stop at the bank (to deposit an unsuspected $300 check! It was like we won the lottery with that, let me tell ya!), then we rode back south to Boystown and had brunch outside at a cafe.  Then we stopped at Best Buy and totally lucked out with a Wii Fit!  We were completely stoked!  I mean, we are just such little kids about nintendo.  I don’t think we would have ever fallen for each other if it weren’t for me buying an old refurbished NES in college.  It was the kind of swank that she was looking for in a mate, apparently.  Ha!  Our poor babies are gonna have to fight with us for new toys.

Anyway, the hilarious part of the story is that we bought it and had no idea where to PUT IT!  This bicycle of mine is a 70′s vintage french road bike with a tiny (uber cool) rear rack that would never accommodate the box of the Wii Fit, much less the weight!  M’s new Townie bike doesn’t even have a rack yet.  So I latched it thru the seatbelt clip of my messenger bag and rode over 3 miles home, practically carrying it…while riding…and of course…snapping pictures.

hilarious.