Drama, Film Fests, More Sperm

Wow, I’ve had a rough few days fighting with part of my family via Facebook–LAME. Its really been TTC related because my brother’s girlfriend keeps having babies faster than I can afford gifts. But I’m soooooo happy for them and have been beyond supportive. I’ve driven the 5 and a half hour trek to see them and their kids several times since my nephew was born…

A few weeks ago, when I was there, they told us that they are pregnant again and not really at all happy about it. And that they were planning on joking with us that they were going to give it to us. Yeah…really…funny.

So I confessed that we have spent thousands of dollars trying to have a baby of our own and that I feel cursed because my mother didn’t want me and gave us all up. I explained that I think that nature is trying to cut us off and not let any of the girls reproduce. Kinda crazy thoughts, but TTC does funny things to a woman. Especially when she hears about her brother having ANOTHER child…and that they don’t want it.  The universe is typically extremely cruel to me, but this seemed really hard to swallow.

We had a nice visit. I left feeling very surreal about the whole thing. I saw my brother acting JUST like my mother used to with us. She was awful. She had no patience with us. She was strict and mean. So is he. It made me really question whether I wanted children at all. I don’t want to be her. I have never wanted to be her. I’ve run so far from her…and here she was looking back at me with eyes younger than mine, in the shape of my baby brother.

Sooooo, I have spent these past few months really focusing on my film business and getting a commercial job lined up for the summer, teaching myself adobe after effects, and started taking DCI to see if it would have any effects on my cycle.  I had to move TTC to the back burner, for our sanity.

I update my twitter often with things about my editing, film work, technical crap that I find terribly exciting. I realize that others might not, but that’s what makes this a free society. My brother’s live-in decides to passively attack me and say things like “god you dooooo so much! You need to have a baby and SLOW DOWN.” I was so crushed that someone, the ONLY ONE that I have told in my family about TTC, would be so blatantly horrible and just slap me right across the face. WHY do you think I spend so much time on my business? Because I have been unsuccessful in having a child…so why wouldn’t we focus our energies on positive things???!!!

I am a fighter. Just like my mother. I attacked her jugular after she made further bitchy remarks to my baby sister. Wow. No one will talk down to my sister–except me! I am so angry that she would be so insensitive and cruel. I see no reason not to completely reduce her to rubble. Its just the passion we possess. She really attacked all of us saying that “you’re ALL NUTS”…woah. My sister is my sister. She amazed me. She came out of the cage fighting like a prized bull. We may be infertile bitches…but we watch out for our own. I’m bitter today but trying to move on.

But I’m excited to report that all our hard work means that we have TWO Film Festival’s to attend in the next couple of weeks, inseminating right between’em. Our first short will have its world premiere right here in Chicago. I may not have a baby. But I have artistic visions and dreams that even a fetus couldn’t keep me from. I am determined.

And along those lines, I am determined to celebrate our upcoming 8th anniversary with a vial of sperm on ice. Asti.

And P.S. We’re switching donors to the 100% Colombian. Yeay!

Chicago Ugly People

Everyday I “interact” with some horrible pighead asshole in this dark gloomy city where people no longer act like people but rather take the form of rats. Hell I bet rats are even kinder to their own. I’m so tired of the stress & strain of city life. Maybe that’s why it’s taking so many tries to get pregnant…

Clawing a new life, in more ways than one.

I realize, after a long night of loneliness and blaming myself that I have driven my partner away from our mutual love and passion of filmmaking.  I strive to be the best at any and everything I touch–I practically kill myself trying.  But in that scraping and clawing, I have wore her down and made her unwilling to work on anything film related with me.  I’m just too hard on her and on us…

I feel terrible about that.  I want to change it, but the only way I see how is to go out on my own and focus on my skills to get me out of this boring, dead end, job.  It’s all I can do now.  Perhaps I can lure her back into my web and make it better for us this time around.   I just want a better life for us. It’s not that this is a bad life. We’ve done very well for ourselves since we moved to Chicago from Nashville.  We barely had an existence there at all…whereas here, we’re movers and shakers.  We’re involved with our own art and plugged into all sorts of neat things with the city.  Our connection to this crazy unapproachable city is strengthening.  VERY slowly…

But now I need to find that next step to make the leap from working on my film projects as a hobby to at least a solid part-time job and cut back my “day” job or even find a different job that is only part-time.

It’s so hard to make that decision and find a way.  But sometimes I think that prolonging it and thinking that I can “do both” is only pushing me further down the path of being “stuck in a life of middle class circumstance.”  I think I would rather be poor than limp and lifeless.

But I want to buy equipment.  Filmmaking is EXPENSIVE.  I’m trying to buy backup drives right now and it’s gonna cost $300 just to cover the basic needs that I have right now.  I need a system upgrade to give me access again to my mixer for sound production…another $200.  Not to mention, I’m hoping to take another production class this summer, but still paying on my production classes from last year!!  Urrgh.

I’ve taken steps towards a budget for us to live on, but even then…the bottom line is that sperm is sooooo expensive!  Still I have to find a way to juggle it all because we’re gonna have it all…damn’t. 

17 DPO…

Wow. Talk about nerve wracking!  I have failed FOUR pregnancy tests in the past few days, yet I can’t sleep because of the heartburn & nausea for over a week!  However, I just keep telling myself…”no news is good news right?” Right.  But it is still a little hard to block out of my mind.  I had never been prepared for how upsetting it is to see blood.  I wouldn’t have believed it–that “I” would be that upset or surprised.  But we had another close call 7 mos. ago but looking back I don’t think that I was pregnant at all.  I think that I was taking excessively large doses of tincture vitex and caused my progesterone to shoot through the roof.  This caused me to develop pregnancy like symptoms THE DAY after my ovulation.  It was way too soon to show those kinds of signs…but we both wanted it sooooo bad.  We just believed and went with it.  It was one of the happiest 2 weeks of our time since we moved to Chicago.  So I wouldn’t trade it…

But seeing the blood just hurt so much.  I fear that now.  And to top it off, I have to pee every 2 hours so I have to fear it very often. 

Nevertheless, I would not trade this time either.  We are closer and stronger than we have been in years.  Our sights are set, our aim is clear.  We WILL HAVE A BABY.

Swings

God our lives swing in the craziest directions…

I’m still waiting for my surge. My cervix has moved farther away and we have started to see the “waterfall” of CM. We’ll see what happens tonight. I just hope that my pending cold doesn’t screw things up this time. I have been drinking water constantly in the hopes of battling it. We just have not had a good try since our first time…when I actually did end up with a weird chemical pregnancy kind of situation…

I have to admit that I was kind of thrilled to go to the clinic to pick up the vials in our rented tank and see that they had little red caps!! Little red caps for red skinned folks. I dig it…and our little Chickpea will too. I think the girl was surprised and thought–”oh these aren’t yours, cuz you’re ol’ whitey”–but alas–they are mine!! I really really want to get pregnant this time. I feel like it is finally time. When we started we were so out of sorts and confused about everything. But during the past few months we’ve really worked out some big dramas. I’m so thankful to have a lady that is so perfect for me. It kind of scares me sometimes and I think that maybe I dreamed her up and she really doesn’t exist…and maybe these past 7 and a half years were all just a long drawn out dream.

Especially because I think back on some of the middle parts and feel like I’m missing time. But not anymore. I know now what I was blinded with. It’s just so incredibly clear.

So to make things even more exciting, the lady has had it out with her bosses at work for the past few days and plans to put in her two weeks notice in the next few days. She’ll also be paid out on her vacation but it’s looking like we’re going to be flapping in the wind again. No where to really turn, in a city that eats people up and spits them out homeless every single day.

I’m frightened, but I can’t stand the thought of her being mistreated and unhappy another week–so fuck it! We’ll live. Somehow. We always do.

I’m feeling the creativity jag coming on so I better sign off and work on my latest script project and figure out where I can get a reasonable DV tap cleaner for our mac daddy camera.

Here’s to hoping that those two little red capped vials of colombian sperm are golden!
~F

Approaching…carefully

Ugh.  I’m becoming a nervous wreck about my pending ovulation.  We have missed my ovulation the past TWO cycles in a row!  I think because of the horrible cold weather and my body just wanting to shut down and hibernate.  But I’m slowly starting to feel the burn and hoping that I can stay on top of it for this cycle and actually perform the two inseminations without drama…

We spent a small fortune on these vials and then realized that we MISSED it, right after they arrived.  We had to store the vials at our local clinic and then hunt and search around for a tank to use this ovulation!  Whew.  It’s been crazy to say the least.  But I am sooooo excited.  It’s a whole new clinic with a brand new donor.

Also, the biggest exciting part of this new cycle is that Mariela and I really seem to be working out some HUGE issues that have been beating down our door AND that she went for acupuncture for the first time and…WOW.  I have never seen such a dramatic change in someone in my life!  Sex crazed!!!

A big city safety net

Wow, what a ride. I haven’t been this torn and confused in a very long time. Hormones are completely fascinating to me and are completely fucking with me right now.

I have a lot of hormonal issues that tell me that now is the time–I need to have a family. But along and within those same veins is my extremely high levels of testosterone that control my thoughts like I’m a prisoner. And I fear that the T will prevent me from sustaining a pregnancy. Not to mention, the T makes me a raging lunatic with this crazy sex drive but also a heightened ability to complete projects, and motivation like nobody’s business. I wouldn’t want to give all of that up–it’s who I am, who I’ve always been.

But I want kids and sometimes I’m not sure where that leaves me…or us. I guess only time will tell.

So this month is crazy. I’ve been fighting this mysterious sinus cold/infection that my boss also has. So apparently I missed my ovulation AND it was several days early! WTF! Our four vials of 2-for-1 sperm suffered patiently all weekend for nothing.

But I gotta say that I do love living in a metropolitan city. I mean, I think of if we were still living in Nashville, or even Atlanta and wonder if this would be possible. Anyway, we weren’t sure of what to do at all. The tank had to be refilled and shipped back by tomorrow. The Women’s Health Clinic is absolutely right out of a lesbian fairy tale. Our AI liason, S. showed up at the counter with a big smile–despite it being 9am on a Monday morning. She offered the wonderful option of them storing it for the month! We were sooooo relieved and excited that they could do that! They even sent our tank back. Whew. As we were leaving she smiled and said “Don’t worry–your sperm is safe with us!” Bwahahhahahaha! I looked around for cameras. I just knew that someone had to have been orchestrating this from behind a magic curtain. It’s just hilarious to me.

Now we have an even funnier situation in that when we are ready to inseminate again we will NOT have a tank for transport home! Hahaha! You’re killing me! So we will have to call and get our sperm out of lockup, they will thaw it for a few minutes (something about the gases and letting it sit), and then we will hold them and rush home. Fortunately we live only 2 minutes from the clinic.

Still I wish that we had someone that was REALLY close to us to help with filming this crazy mess. Ho what a ride.

On another note. We filmed all weekend for a little silly side project…Removing Mariela’s Dreadlocks. It was a lot of fun. She’s had them for 9 months and while they are cute on her, they’re not at all cute in my face at night or especially on my thighs! Ewwwe!

I watched an awesome tutorial using Adobe After Effects and my passion for filmmaking is renewed. I hate what I do. I want to make films or be involved with films and visual arts in some way. I need a miracle to get my transcripts from the clutches of my student debt to attend Grad School. Ugh. I can’t settle for this life. Its just too boring and uninspired for me.

But then I think…as my film production prof said…you don’t need school, you just need to “do”! And I know he’s right. I have single handedly taught myself non-linear editing, workflow, file management, sound design, podcasting, etc. But the bottom line is that it’s lonely doing it by yourself and the feedback from classes is priceless. I grew so much in just basic production here at Northwestern even though I knew how to “perform or execute” all of the tasks from my self-teaching.

Additionally, it is really hard to complete any kind of projects working full-time. Film editing is like a drug for me. I get in the zone and can be there for 12-18 hours. That doesn’t fit with my job.

Life’s crazy.

Obama Party

Oh and P.S.

….We’ve got a golden ticket!

We’re going to the Obama Rally in Grant Park tonight…in the downtownsssssssss!

The Lesbian TTC Halloween Costumes of 2008

Okay, so I have no time for anything…but I just have to say that we hilariously attended the gayborhood Halloween Parade through the streets of Boystown as  “Heather Has Two Mummies” to promote the good fortunes of TTC’ers everywhere…and to celebrate the 10th Anniversary…and to give thanks to our best friend of the ages for sending us the hilarious book when I told him that we were TTC.  He also sent two other wonderful books for us and our little baby-to-be someday.  He’s a real gem.  I never would’a guessed he would be so happy about a baby–considering he and I turned watching almost illegal p0rn into an art form, or at least a full time hobby…but I was really touched that he would want to be so supportive.  I miss him a lot.  Sometimes I hate myself for ever leaving Nashville.

But allow me to introduce Heather (the UGLIEST baby dolly in the world):

We made the oversized storybook and gimp’ed the word and mummy wraps.

and then we hilariously took the bus

and then walked the asphalt carpet of Halstead…

It was really A LOT of fun–despite my awful head cold.  I wanted to get loud and drunk afterwards…but no drinking for me on Halloween this year.  Except for an OranGINA along the walk home.

TWW: 11 DPO

Sometimes I just think that I won’t be able to “take it”–the shit that is thrown at me, always all at once. I try to just accept it all and keep moving, knowing that there is a silver lining for us, even when it’s dull or gray at times with this fucking midwest sky.

I’m officially 11 DPO now. I don’t really have any “pregnancy signs” anymore though so that’s a fine-ha-di-ya-do, but we’re still majorly hopeful. I’m trying to put aside the horribly depressive disasters that keep showing up in my path. I don’t want to ruin my chances with this pepita. Yesterday I was extremely dizzy ALL day off and on–perhaps my blood is increasing? Let’s major big hope so! I’m not really sure when to test. FF says to test Saturday–maybe we will, maybe we’ll wait til Sunday? I just don’t want my horribly severe periods to wash the little peapod away–especially after I have tested…

My dog is still really NOT himself. He wags his tail against the wood floors but he doesn’t get up and follow me around. I took him out for a walk this morning and he just sat down and would not go any further. I was stranded a block away and got a message on my phone that my Grandma, who raised me, is seriously ill and has….gulp….stopped working. So I’m standing there, begging my dog to come home and balling because my world seems to be tumbling around me. Last week was so incredibly exciting and hopeful. This week I want to cry and retreat “home” to the town I grew up in, Springfield IL, to take care of my Gma…and to just be able to breathe. I’m so sick of the city life. But gay people are basically in urban ghettos, the modern day concentration camps with an emphasis on “concentration.” We all have to live in cities so that our children have a chance of being accepted among kids of the yuppie parents that are “cool with us being gay” right. I need to move to where there is more space and my dog could walk on soft ground once in a while…maybe his hips wouldn’t hurt so bad.

Agh who knows, maybe I’m just in a bad fucking mood because I was soaked in the rain at lunch and now I have to sit at my desk with cold, wet, birkenstocks on all afternoon. Or maybe I’m mad because I don’t think it should be GRAY EVERYDAY….

Our most fun friends live in Atlanta and we talk about moving back to the south. It scares me terribly–not for me, but for my future babies. Would I subject them to that? But then again, why would I subject them to the boring old midwest?!?! We thoroughly loved Decatur when we visited–it was so laid back and groovy–lesbians were everywhere…and actually friendly to strangers! We used to perform improv with one of the friends and crafted like fools with his then girlfriend, now wife. She’s a professional costume designer for theatrical shows. We even helped with a few pieces and got props in her Nashville production. We would have so much fun with them. Maybe we could have that again–that special community effort that you can’t find “up north.” Performing improv in Nashville was one of my proudest accomplishments…

A life of artistic and creatively driven people is what I want to give to our kids. Not a 9to5 routine that could bore a goat…

On the other hand, I made the most incredible latin chickpea dish last night and we had taco surprise. Then we edited for several hours on a short film that we shot right after getting our new camera, 2 years ago. Then I watched the Golden Girls, as I do almost every night…

Blanche: “Ugggg, the thought of SPERM at a BAAAAAANK!”
Sophia: “Hey at least the government didn’t have to bail them out!”

Very fitting in these times. I say, the Golden Girls are *timeless*!