Who says it’s a man’s thing?
We watched an incredibly tear-jerking movie last night about a salesman and his little boy–The Pursuit of Happyness and I balled my eyes out like some kind of freak. I finally just gave up because I was so hot and just started pulling my clothes off and ended up going to sleep at like 9:30p. I don’t think I’ve ever gone to sleep that early in my life. I’m one to crawl around all hours of the night with my lady, dreamin’ up weird stuff, writing, painting, drawing…filming.
But Mariela laid in bed with me and we talked about our goals and our future and that was nice before I drifted off to I’m-completely-exhausted-all-the-time sleep. Our dog is sick and had to be rushed to the vet yesterday morning. We’re not sure what is wrong with him other than the fact that we found out that he has hip displaysia. He’s on all sorts of medicines but cries when he has to come up the stairs. I hate seeing him in pain…
I had weird dreams…mixed with bad parts all night! And then woke up cold. I hate the weather here. I’m hungry for chocolate brownies and it’s only 7am. I never want sweets–not even pancakey type things for breakfast. My teeth are also sensitive, much like they are every month when I get my period. The heartburn is better, but I woke up with what I would call “morning sickness” Sunday morning. I was nearing the vomit/dry heave stage, so I sat on the bathroom floor for about 20 minutes petting my cat, hoping that I wouldn’t projectile puke on little Morty. I was actually hoping that I would vomit though…it was that bad. I crawled back into bed, whining under Mariela’s arm. She held on to me until I fell back asleep. I woke up again at 8:30a with a little heartburn, but nothing nearly as bad. Whew! Maybe that’s the key–get up, nearly puke or puke, and then lay back down (preferably after eating a cracker or two) and then get up LATER!
I never anticipated that the TWW would be this hard for me. I never dreamed that I would have one “symptom” much less a 100. I thought that it would be something that I could put out of my mind and just go on with my life and then just test in two weeks AND THEN my life would change. But my life changed from the very next day after we inseminated. I didn’t even want to do the second insem! It was like the “Donna Reed sex drive” had already started to show her ugly-yet-well-groomed head! But I fear that it could just be one’a them “chemical pregnancies” and possibly have to go through all this try-after-try?
No way. I can’t imagine. I come from a long line of fertile-against-their-better-judgement women. They made an art out of trying not to get pregnant but did…
It’s funny because I think about my mom a lot now for all sorts of different reasons. I can’t imagine not keeping the three of us after she had us. Yet I can almost see the bond that she must have for us, even if it’s in her own fucked up way. Recently, when we visited the new nephew, she told us about getting pregnant with me at 14 and that it was her first time! We laughed and made fun of her and said that she was lying–but then maybe she wasn’t?
She doesn’t know that I’m trying. I know that she would be excited and I guess that’s why I don’t want to tell her. I guess deep down, I don’t feel like she deserves anything because she’s never worked for a thing in her life. Why should she be given a grandchild when she threw me and my two younger siblings by the wayside? We were adopted by 3 individual families (within her family–except for me eventually). We were never a family again. But now that my little brother has a son, she wants to be Grandma. I don’t know. It’s just so difficult. Sometimes I think that the only way that I can really deal with all the family drama is to not really deal with it–move to the west coast and send pictures. Let them all be who they want–a few times a year at most.
Most importantly, if I want to do that–I have to push on with our film productions and get things moving again. I needed to take a huge chunk of time to deal with my own disasters and reconstructions, but now it’s time to get back in the editors seat and find some funding. That is my goal for this week. I need to have something edited and finished by the end of the weekend, Sunday night is my due date. I would like to have a trailer or vignette completed–to use for begging and grant writing purposes.
P.S. Fertility Friend just said that I possibly implanted Saturday with a possible triphasic chart with today’s temperature!!! –The day before my morning sickness bout.
