Returning to Light

Long time…

Yeah, so its been a long time.  We’ve taken a huge, needed, break from TTC–but not entirely.  The Lady M & I have been going to acupuncture religiously and its made a good deal of difference to my cycle.  I seem to have finally recovered from the Clomid desert and am feeling so ready to try again.  I wish that I could get some of the weight off, so I’m trying to make some livable changes–like majorly reducing my sugar intake by cutting out coffee entirely because of its acidity.  I drink giant mochas every day if unrestrained!  I’m also trying to eat more vegetables to help with my bodies pH.

We’ve moved to an amazing “green” apartment with low voc paints & carpets, recycled rubber linoleum & countertops.  It has a rooftop garden to increase the air quality with swings, a fireplace, and a water fountain.  You name it. Its awesome!  Its LEED Silver certified and brand new everything.  Its so amazing to go from growing up in a shack–to living in a brand new apartment that no one else has ever lived in!  However, I still find myself hating the city life more and more with each SLOWLY passing winter.

The acupuncturist is amazing.  She has kept me almost sane this winter.  And I feel so ready to try again, blinded in my fertility goggles again–but honestly I dread the frozen sperm game.  The only upside to that is the fact that I have flex money aside for sperm…which really makes me laugh to think about.  It sounds like a far-side cartoon or somethin.  And my cycle now consists of flatlines so it seems like it will be easier to time the insems.  We won’t have to fight over asking for the money (even though it was promised to us) each month.  And we’ve decided to try with 3 vials at a time, at least at first.

But all of a sudden, we’ve been presented with a possible known donor.  Its brought up all sorts of questions & excited us immensely with the increased odds.  We’ve been waiting to hear a definite yes.  I thoroughly appreciate the fact that he wants to seriously consider the ramifications.  But as time goes by without an answer, I’ve begun to expect the no.

I wish it were easier.  I wish the odds were better with frozen…ugh, I just wish we could get onto having a family of our own already…

TWW: 11 DPO

Sometimes I just think that I won’t be able to “take it”–the shit that is thrown at me, always all at once. I try to just accept it all and keep moving, knowing that there is a silver lining for us, even when it’s dull or gray at times with this fucking midwest sky.

I’m officially 11 DPO now. I don’t really have any “pregnancy signs” anymore though so that’s a fine-ha-di-ya-do, but we’re still majorly hopeful. I’m trying to put aside the horribly depressive disasters that keep showing up in my path. I don’t want to ruin my chances with this pepita. Yesterday I was extremely dizzy ALL day off and on–perhaps my blood is increasing? Let’s major big hope so! I’m not really sure when to test. FF says to test Saturday–maybe we will, maybe we’ll wait til Sunday? I just don’t want my horribly severe periods to wash the little peapod away–especially after I have tested…

My dog is still really NOT himself. He wags his tail against the wood floors but he doesn’t get up and follow me around. I took him out for a walk this morning and he just sat down and would not go any further. I was stranded a block away and got a message on my phone that my Grandma, who raised me, is seriously ill and has….gulp….stopped working. So I’m standing there, begging my dog to come home and balling because my world seems to be tumbling around me. Last week was so incredibly exciting and hopeful. This week I want to cry and retreat “home” to the town I grew up in, Springfield IL, to take care of my Gma…and to just be able to breathe. I’m so sick of the city life. But gay people are basically in urban ghettos, the modern day concentration camps with an emphasis on “concentration.” We all have to live in cities so that our children have a chance of being accepted among kids of the yuppie parents that are “cool with us being gay” right. I need to move to where there is more space and my dog could walk on soft ground once in a while…maybe his hips wouldn’t hurt so bad.

Agh who knows, maybe I’m just in a bad fucking mood because I was soaked in the rain at lunch and now I have to sit at my desk with cold, wet, birkenstocks on all afternoon. Or maybe I’m mad because I don’t think it should be GRAY EVERYDAY….

Our most fun friends live in Atlanta and we talk about moving back to the south. It scares me terribly–not for me, but for my future babies. Would I subject them to that? But then again, why would I subject them to the boring old midwest?!?! We thoroughly loved Decatur when we visited–it was so laid back and groovy–lesbians were everywhere…and actually friendly to strangers! We used to perform improv with one of the friends and crafted like fools with his then girlfriend, now wife. She’s a professional costume designer for theatrical shows. We even helped with a few pieces and got props in her Nashville production. We would have so much fun with them. Maybe we could have that again–that special community effort that you can’t find “up north.” Performing improv in Nashville was one of my proudest accomplishments…

A life of artistic and creatively driven people is what I want to give to our kids. Not a 9to5 routine that could bore a goat…

On the other hand, I made the most incredible latin chickpea dish last night and we had taco surprise. Then we edited for several hours on a short film that we shot right after getting our new camera, 2 years ago. Then I watched the Golden Girls, as I do almost every night…

Blanche: “Ugggg, the thought of SPERM at a BAAAAAANK!”
Sophia: “Hey at least the government didn’t have to bail them out!”

Very fitting in these times. I say, the Golden Girls are *timeless*!

More Matches for our Fire

We are working to finish our dining room/studio table–a door that brings many new doors to open. I’m to the point of actually just pouring the (hopefully) second to last coat of envirotex. Today I was bombarded with an unexpected visitor to look at the apartment. Does this mean we’re moving out? I should’ve asked. Apparently the building is up for sale…hmm. Maybe that’s another match under our feet to hit the road?

Speaking of fire on the road. Yesterday evening we were cruising along Clark St., just south of Andersonville–ya know, “the lesbian neighborhood.” Yeah lesbian, my lesbian asshole. Clark St. is a narrow, two-lane with parking on both sides and a shared bike lane that is FREQUENTLY used by cyclists. In fact, it is one of the only good routes North-South for bikes. Well, this asshole in his “new” used Cadillac comes ROARING around us in the parking lane/bike lane. It’s dusk…a bicycle would be hard to spot at those speeds, in that light. So I’m pissed…to say the least. I pull up next to his temporary plated Caddy and begin “WHAT THE FUCK?? EVER HEARD OF A BICYCLE LANE??” Then the bleach blonde whore in the passenger seat with the fake tan and chrome plated sunglasses turns to me and says “there were no bicycles” as she blows smoke out the window at me, and the lady bicyclist at the light (who seemed pleased that I was ranting on about protecting the bike lane). I don’t miss a beat–an argument like that would rarely keep me down. So I retort with “what if there were?? It’s still FUCKING ILLEGAL and you could’a killed somebody!” He rolls her window up…probably so that his greasy hair wouldn’t dry too quickly. But the sunroof was open so that she could vent her cigarette pollutants into the air. I quipped–“you’re just an ASSHOLE!” He rolled her window down and said “And you’re a dyke bitch!” I smiled one of my big award winning smiles without missing a beat and said “YOU FUCKING BET I AM–I GET MORE PUSSY THAN YOU!”…as he tries to speed off…knowing that both he and the fake tanned huzzy know it’s true.

Did he think that I didn’t know? Is he really that MIDWESTERN that he wouldn’t assume that I was an out lesbian that is perfectly comfortable with my “dyke” ways? I hate the midwest. I don’t know why I ever came back here, but I hope to find out soon so that I can leave. Hate crime slurs in the lesbo neighborhood–yeah, Chicago’s cool alright. Cool in January.

Ha, what a joke.  I wish that California was a place for poor artists like us…but along that vein, we are officially opening the CALIFORNIA FUND for this family.  We’re saving money…to jet outta this crap.

Jettie Wants to Move

Our car is giving us the warning sign–she can’t take the commute anymore than we can. She’s starting to freak out. She’s trying to tell us that it’s time to pack up and do something completely different. This happened in Nashville 3 years ago…and we had to just up and start over. We headed “home” to the northern states and resettled in Chicago. Our goal was to find that progressive city that was green. We’ve always been green–before it was a hipster hot word. We couldn’t take the wasting of petrol any longer and decided that riding our bikes would be easier in Chicago…

But we didn’t really account for how SPRAWLING Chicago is. Nor did we account for the fact that winter lasts 6-9 months either! I’m so torn. I don’t want to leave our entire families–particularly at a time that we would like them to be around–with a baby. But damn, why did they all have to settle in the middle of nowhere? Why should we keep it going for that matter!?!?

Portland is just so far…but it’s completely dreamy. Same goes for L.A. Or even Davis, CA is amazing for bicycling apparently. But then we convince ourselves with maybe Madison, WI. But then, they don’t even offer DP benefits. I would grow so bitter, so fast…especially because I want to stay home with the baby and work on expanding our film company.

I miss working on films and projects with my lady. We spend too much time working and commuting these days. We gotta make a change. It just seems so hard right now.

Ahh, I don’t know. Maybe my overwhelming discontent stems from the fact that I have done without pain pills and writhed in pain for the past 5 days since my dental surgery…Last night was the worse, so I’m kinda startin’ to freak that something is wrong. I go back tomorrow to get the stitches taken out. I almost broke down at 5am this morning to take vic0din again, but didn’t…I was awake all night. I got up @ 5am and did a fluoride treatment, cried, and then buried myself in Mariela to sleep. I didn’t wake up until almost 9am. Oops…I’m late. Again.

The point is that I’m trying to avoid pain relievers and synthetic drugs at this point…a mere 10 days away from insemination. I don’t want my eggs to be hopped up on pills! They probably wouldn’t even be able to recognize a uterus or anything!

"Settling" our first order…

I’m so excited that we’re going to order our first stash of sperm tomorrow…I never thought that would be something that I would get excited about…but life has a funny way of changing around on me.

I feel so caught up and twisted in this time of “settling” and becoming responsible for a family…and the ingrained need to run and experience the world.  Like the whole way to work today was spent trying to figure out how we could just up and move to L.A.  We aren’t the “settling down” types and I know that even with a baby we would still be unrealistic and unpredictable, to say the least.  But its just the quickly approaching winter that makes me unsettled.  I’m not ready for it to be this gray and dark when I wake up, but I am really really looking forward to these next three months of trying…after that…we may move thousands of miles away and “begin again”…

Speaking of dark and gray.  The weather this past weekend was horrible here in Chicago.  It was so humid and disgusting and then it RAINED forever.  Cars were almost completely underwater in parts of the city…we headed out for an exciting adventure to Pilsen to check out a wholesale fabric place that is supposed to be really awesome, not to mention a cool neighborhood in Chicago that we can’t live because of our jobs.  (It would have been perfect for completing the feng shui of our living room.)  We stopped at a cafe for lunch and parked Jettie in a swamp and then got soaked walking the 50 feet to the restaurant.  So then we were cold and gutted…

But had a great lunch and tried to convince ourselves to hustle out to REI instead to get rain boots.  After checking the iphone we realized that the Edens Exp was not moving…not very express.  So we walked in the rain for cat + dog food instead.  Then we went into the yuppie baby shoppe (with our dog food) and looked at the infant Halloween costumes and oooh’ed and ahhh’ed while disapproving and confused yuppie moms stared.

So in weather like that…where else is there to go?  I mean, seriously.  We drove straight to Target, the one that’s slightly further away…just because it has completely covered parking and an underground entrance!  To hell with walking in the rain in Birkenstocks!  So we had a blast going through Target as we always do…We act like it’s a park, only indoors and with lots of capitalistic crap everywhere…

Mariela keeps taking me to the breastfeeding isle of stuff because I know she can see the anxiety all over my face about the whole idea.  She’s promised to be my “lactation consultant,” but I think she’s just being a creep.  It all looks so complicated and overwhelming…so she’s trying to build up my immunities by making me go down that isle every time we’re in a Targetto.

We spent the rest of the weekend hanging out together and doing the Wii Fit.  Mariela is like obsessed with it!  It’s hilarious.  I cannot believe that something so simple can make me sweat so quickly!  We’re such typical competitive women that we strive for the higher score every time so it keeps us going.  We’ve been doing it for only a week and M looks completely different!  Her posture is totally better!  And she’s also really cute in her little work out shorts, playin’ hula hoop without a hoop.

We had to return the “rechargeable” battery pack to Be$t Buy…Mariela cracked me up at the counter telling the girl…“I’m just trying to get fit–dang.” Hahaha…they just felt sorry for her because they’re…well iggnunt.  I laughed because she’s hysterical.

Wii Ride for Wii Fit

Our weekend was so awesome.  It’s sad that we never meet people like us because god we would all have so much fun!  I can’t wait to hitch up our buggy and head out one of these days…to greener pastures with cooler people that like to have fun.  And by “fun” I don’t mean the yuppies having a CUBS party IN our bedroom Saturday night either!  They really rented a big screen TV to put in their yard and a karaoke system.  Basically it was some lame, fat dude screaming on a PA into my bedroom…Boys to Men, I’ll Make Love to You…while the only 3 girls left at the party were dogs and obviously sticking together and all kind of staring at him in pity.  “Give it up dude, no one’s going home with you!” We’re such bitches.  I setup our camera (which is rather large and serious looking with the boom mic and all) in the window and right when he busted into the chorus, I flipped the scoop light on that I had so carefully attached to the window to light up his face…

I finally had to call the cops…I just couldn’t handle them all watching us have sex (again).

So, regardless of what a terrific time we have been having by our lonesome, I worry that Mariela is going insane.  I think it would be really nice to go visit some family this weekend, eh hem…our new little nephew that’s 3+ months old.  I can’t wait to pinch his little face.

But…ever since I started taking the chaste berry, I am like obsessive compulsive over the apartment.  I just can’t help myself.  I just want it to be “done” before we start with the inseminations.  I have less than a month now but I have done SOOOOO much already.  “I”…”we” have done so much!  Mariela was so cute the other day.  She grabbed the package of the new CO2 detector/smoke alarm and started installing it…saying that she needed “to protect her family.”  She’s really cute.  Maybe it isn’t really the chaste berry at all.  Maybe its just the total funk and depression that I’ve been in the whole time–blaming myself and Mariela that we just couldn’t be good enough and that we would fail.  Since she has made it so real for me, I feel so much more motivated now.  It’s like I was sleeping for a long time…too scared to dream.  Now it’s just all I can do.

Hopefully we can get our new bed from Ikea the following weekend?  I don’t even know if it will fit in our little Jetta though…

Speaking of transportation issues.  We went out Sunday morning on our bikes and it was MAGNIFICIENT.  We rode for about 2 hours solid.  I’ve missed riding everyday SO BADLY.  We rode up to the lesbo hood, Andersonville, for a stop at the bank (to deposit an unsuspected $300 check! It was like we won the lottery with that, let me tell ya!), then we rode back south to Boystown and had brunch outside at a cafe.  Then we stopped at Best Buy and totally lucked out with a Wii Fit!  We were completely stoked!  I mean, we are just such little kids about nintendo.  I don’t think we would have ever fallen for each other if it weren’t for me buying an old refurbished NES in college.  It was the kind of swank that she was looking for in a mate, apparently.  Ha!  Our poor babies are gonna have to fight with us for new toys.

Anyway, the hilarious part of the story is that we bought it and had no idea where to PUT IT!  This bicycle of mine is a 70′s vintage french road bike with a tiny (uber cool) rear rack that would never accommodate the box of the Wii Fit, much less the weight!  M’s new Townie bike doesn’t even have a rack yet.  So I latched it thru the seatbelt clip of my messenger bag and rode over 3 miles home, practically carrying it…while riding…and of course…snapping pictures.

hilarious.

Stressed & Wanting to Head West

Wow, if I don’t write something, I think I might explode. I think this might be what the beginning of a panic attack feels like…my fingers are tingly and my head is spinning with a serious light-headedness that makes me want to vomit. I’m completely overwhelmed by my job all of a sudden and the prospects of heading west sound so extremely appealing. Maybe we should have a sidewalk sale and hit the road. I can’t be this stressed and do what I do. My job in this world is art…and telling my stories…not this kind of budgety stress that makes me a crazy person.

I’m also sick of M’s bosses treating her like a piece of shit. This place is for the birds. Nobody puts Baby in the corner. I wanna go over there blastin with both guns. She has pushed herself so far to take on a HUGE job of conference planning that was never hers to begin with. She has learned so much and they have benefited from that…and yet they treat her like crap. I want to destoy something. It’s just not fair that she hasn’t gotten another job yet…another thing that she has constantly worked on! I’m really starting to hate Chicago…perhaps its the need for knee length socks on the 4th of September…

I wish I didn’t have the fear of leaving. I used to be completely fine with packing up and heading out. Now I want more, but I feel blocked and stopped. I’m sick of them robbing us of our Friday evenings…beating us down and wearing us out on Friday’s so that we’re angry and bitter all night before starting the weekend (on the wrong foot)! Where’s the sunshine in that?

Madison Might Be Nice…

We need to get out of Chicago, and since we can’t leave forever…we might as well go camping…

We’re trying to plan a visit to the “hippie, gay-lovin’ town of Madison.” We could take our camera crew on the road and shoot footage for our documentary. Or we could rent a truck and just take off–move to Madison or anywhere else–”site unseen.” Mariela said, “I would do it! I would just go! Site-unseen!” And I believe her. I always know that I can count on her for that. Sometimes I think that she’s responsible for making the sun shine.

I wish that we knew someone in Madison or had any kind of connections to know where to go and what to check out. We don’t really know anyone there, but have heard such great things about Madison. So we’re gonna check it out. I don’t think I want to move anywhere in the midwest again, but ya never know. The statistics are quite staggering about Madison. Could it really be *that* cool? I don’t know. Illinois has pretty good politics (for the midwest)…and I’m amazed that UWM doesn’t have partner benefits??!!??!! I think we would have moved a long time ago if they did!

Sometimes it seems like the only way to keep moving forward is just to constantly start-over by moving on. But I’m so tired of walking away from what we’ve built that I just can’t keep doing it. Even though I love how romantic it is. Its our kind of romance anyway. That feeling of living out of the backseat–applying for jobs by digging around for your finest clothes out of the trunk of your car, getting “cleaned up” in the bathroom of a tollway oasis…Yeah, not a bed of roses, but we’ve had some of our finest times together, alone, out there searching for home. Its taken a long time to realize that home, for us, is just together. But here, we aren’t together as much anymore. We’re always running in opposite directions, just trying to survive the grind.

Santa Fe taught me that.

Sometimes Chicago just really seems like a big waste of time. I mean, we’ve learned a lot and actually produced a lot…but connections we have not! Smaller cities are so much better for networking with real people. Independent filmmaking takes a village. And I’m sick of having pod people walking too fast, in my face, constantly. I can’t even cross the street without some asshole nearly running us over and then cussing us out for it. It’s too unpleasant for anyone to care about much at all here. And I really want to raise my kids in a better environment.

Maybe if we could afford some huge place to live in Evanston, life would be a little easier. But frankly I’m just sick and tired. Period. Just sick and tired of running myself crazy…to get back and forth…and I can’t even pay the rent–much less start the family that we’re planning! What are we even doing here? We make Evanston pay (for the retired soccer moms), and we pay Chicago prices of living! We’re just major idiots when you stand back that far!!

This past weekend was pure magic for us though… We laughed, walked all over Chicago, volunteered for a few hours for the chicago filmmakers office during Market Days, made homemade pizzas and sat around on our lanai for the majority of the weekend. We didn’t clean our closets as we had planned, we didn’t finish taping the show we’re trying to finish, nor did we finish sound on the show that’s already done! But we enjoyed the time together.

Thoughts on Madison

We need to get out of Chicago, and since we can’t leave forever…we might as well go camping…

We’re trying to plan a visit to the “hippie, gay-lovin’ town of
Madison.” We could take our camera crew on the road and shoot footage
for our documentary.

Or we could rent a truck and just take off–move to Madison or anywhere else–”site unseen.”

Mariela said, “I would do it! I would just go! Site-unseen!” And I
believe her. I always know that I can count on her for that. Sometimes
I think that she’s responsible for making the sun shine.

I wish that we knew someone in Madison or had any kind of
connections to know where to go and what to check out. My close friend
from WI, that also used to live in Madison, and that had been
“planning” a trip with me to Madison…just “broke up with me” over some
guy. I guess straight women are just way too high maintenance for me. I
think the only reason that I’m gay in the first place is because my mom
always chose the men in her life over me. She chose them in ways
like–oh not getting up and getting me ready for school. Not feeding us
because she had to stand around with her jean cut-offs and beer, always
outside trying to impress. So I’m not really good at even accepting it
from just my friends. I forget that their lives revolve around
men–because mine doesn’t. I forget and get pissed when they cancel
plans with me to go bar-hoppin’ hoping to catch his eye. I
just forget that the rest of the world doesn’t see things the way I do.
I forget that other people don’t really think they should be expected
to be your friend all the time–only when its convenient and no one else
is around…

I’m just different, but I think a friend should be more important
than a guy, or girl for that matter, that you don’t even know. Life is
too short. I want people in my life that I can count on. So I’m sorry
that she “broke up with me”…but eh, if I can’t say that I’m pissed
because someone cancels my weekend plans, last minute…then we need not
be friends anyway.

But I digress. The point is that we don’t really know anyone there,
but have heard such great things about Madison. So we’re gonna check it
out. I don’t think I want to move anywhere in the midwest again, but ya
never know. The statistics are quite staggering about Madison. Could it
really be *that* cool? I don’t know. Illinois has pretty good
politics…and I’m amazed that UWM doesn’t have partner benefits. I think
we would have moved a long time ago if they did!

Sometimes it seems like the only way to keep moving forward is just
to constantly start-over by moving on. But I’m so tired of walking away
from what we’ve built that I just can’t do it this time. Even though I
love how romantic it is. Its our kind of romance anyway. That feeling
of living out of the backseat–applying for jobs by digging around for
your finest clothes out of the trunk of your car, getting “cleaned up”
in the bathroom of a tollway oasis…Yeah, not a bed of roses, but we’ve
had some of our finest times together, alone, out there searching for
home. Its taken a long time to realize that home, for us, is just
together. But here, we aren’t together as much anymore. We’re always
running in opposite directions, just trying to survive the grind.

Sometimes Chicago just really seems like a big waste of time. I
mean, we’ve learned a lot and actually produced a lot…but connections
we have not! Smaller cities are so much better for networking with real
people. Independent filmmaking takes a village. And I’m sick of having
pod people walking too fast, in my face, constantly. I can’t even cross
the street without some asshole nearly running us over and then cussing
us out for it. It’s too unpleasant for anyone to care about much at all.

Maybe if we could afford some big place to live in Evanston, life
would be a little easier. But frankly I’m just sick and tired. Period.
Just sick and tired of running myself crazy…to get back and forth…and I
can’t even pay the rent–much less start the family that we’re planning!
What are we even doing here? We make Evanston pay (for the retired
soccer moms), and we pay Chicago prices of living! We’re just major
idiots!!

This past weekend was pure magic for us though… We laughed, walked
all over Chicago, volunteered for a few hours for the chicago
filmmakers office during Market Days, made homemade pizzas and sat
around on our lanai for the majority of the weekend. We didn’t clean
our closets as we had planned, we didn’t finish taping the show we’re
trying to finish, nor did we finish sound on the show that’s already
done! But we enjoyed the time together.