Known Donor Down; New Frozen Donor Selected!

Ugh, our known donor option is out — a no go.

He was concerned about his inheritance or somethin…
Honestly, I don’t quite understand it.  If its money, it wouldn’t be an issue.  The child WILL be adopted by my partner within 3 months because we live in the great state of Illinois, Cook County in particular.

I was seriously disappointed for a day or so. Then I dusted myself off and started searching through donor profiles. I was a little disgusted that M wasn’t as interested to sort through them, but I realize that its still a little early. But when I ovulate, I get crazy–either extremely baby crazy, or just totally wild. Like I want to dress like a whore…grab my red lipstick and say “SEE YA!”

At first, I was so disappointed with the frozen donor options now.  We very much wanted to begin again with a fresh outlook with the frozen donor.  We’ve always wanted Colombian, but now I feel that its more important to just be Hispanic and preferrably taller.  Our previous donors were hovering around “short” and maybe that just doesn’t work well with my genetics.  I like tall men, period. But all of our donor options were slim or IUI only; I started to feel so cursed.  And then we found a perfect option.  At least, I’m convinced that he’s the PERFECT option and a belief in something so strong has to be positive for our outcome, right!  He’s incredible.  Tall, hispanic, creative…

That’s all we need.
And then today…I got a positive OPK for THE FIRST TIME!!!  I’ve never had one of those fuckin plastic things smile at me about anything!  Whew!  However, the big downer is that last month I seem to have ovulated on Day 19…this month its looking like Day 22.  That sucks.

Day 22 for a surge just really sucks.  But my egg white was amazing, albeit a little early…and my temperatures are completely stable thanks to acupuncture.
Its the one month countdown to begin.

Welcome back Spring! We’re ready.
[roll the tape.]

Returning to Light

Long time…

Yeah, so its been a long time.  We’ve taken a huge, needed, break from TTC–but not entirely.  The Lady M & I have been going to acupuncture religiously and its made a good deal of difference to my cycle.  I seem to have finally recovered from the Clomid desert and am feeling so ready to try again.  I wish that I could get some of the weight off, so I’m trying to make some livable changes–like majorly reducing my sugar intake by cutting out coffee entirely because of its acidity.  I drink giant mochas every day if unrestrained!  I’m also trying to eat more vegetables to help with my bodies pH.

We’ve moved to an amazing “green” apartment with low voc paints & carpets, recycled rubber linoleum & countertops.  It has a rooftop garden to increase the air quality with swings, a fireplace, and a water fountain.  You name it. Its awesome!  Its LEED Silver certified and brand new everything.  Its so amazing to go from growing up in a shack–to living in a brand new apartment that no one else has ever lived in!  However, I still find myself hating the city life more and more with each SLOWLY passing winter.

The acupuncturist is amazing.  She has kept me almost sane this winter.  And I feel so ready to try again, blinded in my fertility goggles again–but honestly I dread the frozen sperm game.  The only upside to that is the fact that I have flex money aside for sperm…which really makes me laugh to think about.  It sounds like a far-side cartoon or somethin.  And my cycle now consists of flatlines so it seems like it will be easier to time the insems.  We won’t have to fight over asking for the money (even though it was promised to us) each month.  And we’ve decided to try with 3 vials at a time, at least at first.

But all of a sudden, we’ve been presented with a possible known donor.  Its brought up all sorts of questions & excited us immensely with the increased odds.  We’ve been waiting to hear a definite yes.  I thoroughly appreciate the fact that he wants to seriously consider the ramifications.  But as time goes by without an answer, I’ve begun to expect the no.

I wish it were easier.  I wish the odds were better with frozen…ugh, I just wish we could get onto having a family of our own already…

HSG Test. OPEN TUBES!

Yuck. I went in yesterday morning for an HSG radiology test of my uterus (for those unfamiliar its when they shoot dye into your uterus via catheter and take xrays to see if the dye flows thru your fallopian tubes) and yeay!! mine opened and the dye flowed!  At first one of them didn’t want to but with more forceful thrusts of the dye–it opened.  Secretly of course I keep convincing myself that maybe THIS is what I needed.  Just to open up my tubes and flush them out a little and I’ll be good to go!  (Research does show a slight improvement of pregnancy rates following the HSG test so hey I’m crossing my fingers!)

All of my blood tests have been fine, O+.  I don’t have syphilis or HIV…or any Hepititises.  Whew.

The only lab report to come back slightly abnormal so far has been the Free Testosterone.  The RE doesn’t even understand this…she doesn’t even normally test the Free T!?!?  I’m a freak what can I say.

So a LOT has happened this month…I will try to recap and bring this blog up to speed.  I have not been filming much so I need to document somewhere right!

First of all, I ended up eventually getting my period–after 45 agonizing nausea induced days.  Everyone thinks I’m crazy and “just occasionally have a long cycle”–Okay, sure.  It just happens to also come right after we inseminate…and accompanied with nausea, sore nipples, larger tits!?  WTF, I’m not crazy.  I live in this iggnunt body ALL THE TIME.  However, the RE has agreed that there might be a progesterone problem…and plans to test my levels after we inseminate.

I think I keep getting pregnant and then lose the little fertilized thing because either the egg was too old (late OV) or that my progesterone drops.  Either way it has majorly SUCKED to feel off-and-on pregnant for the past 10 months…with nothing to come of it anyway.

So this cycle has flown so far. I’m not temping anymore.  I just can’t stand waking up and doing that for a while.  Its been so long.  I did a ton of blood tests, now the HSG test, and started Clomid.  Yeah, so much for being au naturale…ugh. I just want us to have a family so bad.  The doctor tries to calm me by saying that its been used for 60 years and has virtually no side effects.  But I still worry about troubles breastfeeding, etc. that I’ve read about with Clomid.

Regardless, I think that my late ovulation is not good.  And I also think that not being able to time my ovulation at all has caused us a lot of panic and money because we are never sure about timing.  The only time that I received a CLEAR SURGE was during our “dry run” month–before we had sperm!  I’m extremely excited to try this cycle…

TTC is really much easier for a child raised in the crazy way that I was.  My mother left me ALL THE TIME with different parts of our family–and by “leave” I mean leave.  Like enroll me in school and share a bedroom with cousins.  But she always promised to come back.  She always assured me that we’d have a happy family someday…but like a dumb child, I continuously believed in her.  No one else did.  But I did.  I dreamed and waited for that day.  It conditioned me to forgive her, over and over.  Dust myself off and keep believing.  So this TTC business is no different for me.  Sure, each and every time I’m devastated and cry. I blame everyone around me. I blame my mother, my brother for the horrible things he said to me…and then I flip right back around and start believing all over again.

I go to the beach with my latina. She carries me around in the water and we smile like we’re stupid at the shinning sun above us and reflecting off of Lake Michigan.  I believe.  Every single time.

Thanks Mom.

17 DPO…

Wow. Talk about nerve wracking!  I have failed FOUR pregnancy tests in the past few days, yet I can’t sleep because of the heartburn & nausea for over a week!  However, I just keep telling myself…”no news is good news right?” Right.  But it is still a little hard to block out of my mind.  I had never been prepared for how upsetting it is to see blood.  I wouldn’t have believed it–that “I” would be that upset or surprised.  But we had another close call 7 mos. ago but looking back I don’t think that I was pregnant at all.  I think that I was taking excessively large doses of tincture vitex and caused my progesterone to shoot through the roof.  This caused me to develop pregnancy like symptoms THE DAY after my ovulation.  It was way too soon to show those kinds of signs…but we both wanted it sooooo bad.  We just believed and went with it.  It was one of the happiest 2 weeks of our time since we moved to Chicago.  So I wouldn’t trade it…

But seeing the blood just hurt so much.  I fear that now.  And to top it off, I have to pee every 2 hours so I have to fear it very often. 

Nevertheless, I would not trade this time either.  We are closer and stronger than we have been in years.  Our sights are set, our aim is clear.  We WILL HAVE A BABY.

Heartburn.

Ugh, I woke up Saturday morning with horrible heartburn and it really has not subsided much since!

It’s strange because when I was on the Vitex tincture, I had very similar symptoms and upsets only much earlier after my ovulation. This came on after the 6th DPO and has not let up at all! It’s better when I eat, but then immediately returns and makes me belchy and a little nauseous.

I’ve been kind of emotional and having a few mood swings…and I have this incredible urge to clean…even while almost vomiting, I managed to vacuum the ENTIRE apartment from top to bottom.

Only a few more days to wait.
We are officially at 11DPO…

Jizz Junkie.

Maybe I am.

It’s funny because I melted so badly with the fleeting hormones. And as I melted, I kept thinking, “I just can’t do this again–at least for a while. I won’t know how to trust my body or my mind.” And then I woke up the next day looking straight up into the bright blue sky wishing for another chance! WTF! That’s a crazy person! But I guess that’s me.  It’s not a surprise.

We had so much fun trying (except for that last crazy bit) so we’ve decided to try again this month–that is, if all of the stars line up as they mysteriously have so far!!  We’re majorly excited again.  I’m a little concerned about my ovulation because it could be crazy-off because of the strange 2+ days of really light spotting. Fertility Friend says that I had a 15 day luteal phase and my usual is 13 (it was 11 before the vitex). So I’m not sure how to estimate it, other than going by what FF suggests. My ovulation has always been right around the 20th day. Hopefully we can hit that this time, and maybe get both insems done SOONER rather than later. I think the second one last time was way too late because my sex drive had already been hijacked by Donna Reed.

We’ll see.
If it doesn’t work, perhaps we’ll take some time off.  Maybe we’ll look into the possibility of hispanic adoptions again.  I know that Colombia is out unfortunately for gay parents, but maybe another country…

It really makes me angry that even though Mariela was born in Colombia and adopted, she still cannot adopt a small child unless she gets married to a man, but I digress.

The weather sucks.  We were planning a visit to a pumpkin patch and corn maze tomorrow but it’ll probably be raining.  Ah well, we had a lovely vegan dinner at the Indian Buffet tonight despite the crappy weather.  It’s late.  I should sleep.  I’ve spent the past few hours finishing some editing of possibly the only video in existence of my best friend from my childhood.  She overdosed almost 2 years ago and it’s been really hard to edit the tape.  It’s such a wonderful glimpse into her life that it just makes me miss her so bad.  We took extremely different paths in this life, but we were like sisters growing up.  That part of my life died with her.  She’s the only one that could ever believe the shit we did or went through.

I feel very torn about the tapes.  In one sense they show her interacting and playing a game with her son, who was only 7 when she died.  I want him to have that someday when he can see it.  I want him to see her whisper in his ear, telling him the actions to act out in charades, and smile.  But I hate that she acts out “sleeping pills”…sure I could have edited that out, but who am I to take that bit of his mother away forever.  I see film and video as magic.  It preserves time.  I just couldn’t cut her out.  I’m glad that I have it and I feel that it should be passed on–even if it will be very hard for her mother to experience.  I gathered a few of the photos I could find of us as children and on through adulthood.  (When I came home from the hospital, I slept in her dresser drawers.)  But I had the hardest time setting music to it.  Popular music has such strong meaning.  I listened to song after song and nothing seemed right.  I finally had to go with an instrumental.  I think the pictures are better that way…

I also have so much crafting on my mind that I can’t even begin.  I’m like Baron when he’s trying to lay down…spinning and spinning, trying to find the perfect fold.

P.S.  The pup is better.  He’s back to his springy self.

Feeling Periodishly & Fat!

12 DPO…

So I’m feeling as I normally do around this time of the month–even though I’m not very good at explaining what that means. It’s just a strange kind of awareness that feels like my period is approaching. Ugh, I don’t even want to think that way though. I’m just trying to stay positive and focused.

But I am really wanting to test tomorrow…even though that is officially 1 day before FF suggested. I just can’t take the suspense anymore. But perhaps I should just wait it out…maybe even until Sunday. I mean, after all…its not like testing is going to control anything. I have to remember to just “go with it.”

On the other hand, I had the strangest morning. In fact, I was so tired last night that I couldn’t even hold up my CRAFT magazine long enough to finish a paragraph. It felt as though someone had stuck both my arms with tetanus shots or something! It was crazy tiredness. So I woke up this morning at 6am but just couldn’t get out of bed because it was still sooooo dark. So I would prop my head up on my arm or whatever and then start to fall back asleep–but hilariously I wouldn’t really FALL ASLEEP before I would start dreaming of a plate of food! I’m fat–but not THAT FAT! I mean, it was like I was dreaming in storyboard shots or something–like it was being filmed from my point of view. I was looking down at the plate and it was my yummy mexican surprise again!! But the REALLY funny part was that “as I kind of half dreamed” that I was bringing my fully loaded fork to my face–I REALLY OPENED MY MOUTH–in real life and woke myself up! Bwhahahahahah!

Fatter than ever!

My Own Colombian Glow…Slowly Starting to Burn?

The smug grin has left my face this morning…unfortunately.  My temperature dropped–yeah instead of rising as I had expected–it dropped.

Now, I did develop a cold sore last night from the excessive amounts of pineapple (to help the peapod stick).  I also only slept for 5 hours and got up extremely early (5:30am compared to my usual 7:30am) because of M’s crazy week of work.  I did the Temperature Corrector on Fertility Friend and it seemed to “correct” the problem and it looks like I’m actually on track.  It’s hard to chart so meticulously when you’re staying up all hours of the night, howling at the moon and inseminating at 4am!

But I gotta say, it was really hard to choke down the vitex tincture this morning and the multivitamin made me sick–now (a few hours later) I feel like I have major heartburn coming on from the vitamin + banana combo.  I love bananas.  They are probably my most favorite raw food, but today…I really had trouble eating it.  M thought maybe it was just my toothpaste mixing, but something just didn’t taste right.  And now heartburn?  I have never developed heartburn this time of day.  And strangely, despite the heartburn, I’m really hungry.  But on the other hand, the “cramps” seem to have subsided.  M thinks that was just caused from the seminal fluid in my cervix.  She’s usually right…being the witch doctor that she is.

Hopefully today’s temperature was just a fluke.  The weather has been completely crazy for my sleeping.  I either have the window open with nothing but a sheet, or bundled up in sweatpants or then the next night I sleep naked, all the windows closed and a heavy blanket! WTF!  Every night has been different for the past 2 weeks.

Oh well, I promised that I wouldn’t freak out and worry myself stupid.  So instead…I’ll focus on the good:

Gettin’ Warmer: Colombian Glow
Taken at high resolution in candlelight.  I’m gonna have a HUGE PRINT made for our studio work space.

*Added: I forgot to mention that EVERYONE had something to say about my appearance today.  I like your glasses (had them for over a year); Did you get a haircut?? (I desperately need a haircut); and even Mariela said that I looked different!  WTF?

Agent Delivered!

Wow, I hadn’t even finished my breakfast when the buzzer rang! I panickedidly ran down to the front door!! It was 9:15am! Mariela was on the L going to work. I called her and said “Your baby is here.”  She was excited and told me to send her pictures…

I had walked her to the train and had to fight the dog to leave her–FOR BLOCKS!! He just would not give up looking back for her. He’s adorable that he always keeps the family unit together–at all costs.

Oh, and he’s a Cub Fan…we’re not. But he certainly is. He’s a Clown Dog and he makes the all too serious 9to5′ers smile.

So I’m trying to clean the apartment, because no body wants to be injected with sperm in a dirty room right? And I’d like to take a ride on my bike too, if I have time to get some more Chai Tea and Pineapple. Yeah…so I better get back to it.

I’m so nervous about the timing. My sex drive is through the roof, my temperature is crazy wack because of the serious change in weather for Chicago…but my CM has not changed to egg white yet, so that’s good. I’m thinking of doing an OPK at 2pm…and inseminating on the “faint positive” for the first insemination and then maybe just 18 hours after that…and all of this HAS to happen before Sunday afternoon!  Ugh.  I hate Mariela’s job more than she does right now….

A day to be nervous. Just one.

I didn’t think I’d be this nervous. I’m not like freaking-out nervous, but I am nervous.

I thought that I would be so much cooler and calmer than anyone, but I can’t really quite believe that I will be injected with sperm…(gulp)… tomorrow.  That’s a crazy feeling for me.  I mean, I know that I should mentally prepare myself that it will take tons of tries, we’ll run out of money, move, light ourselves on fire, etc.  But honestly, it makes me excited just to try.  I know that in our situation, we may very well have to call it quits, at least for a while–even though I don’t really want to admit, even to myself, how important it is to me, to have my own family (again).  My original family was obliterated when I was 12 years old.  I spent half of the time since then, chasing that family, only to realize that they’re just not my family anymore.

Adoption is a crazy thing.  It saved all of our lives, individually.  However, it also severed our “Family Ties” forever.  And it also gave each of us our own individual servings of totally new and completely fucked up situations to deal with.  We did the best we could and we still saw each other as often as we could–but that doesn’t make you a family…Sure, we’ll always be “family.”  When I look at my brother, I see a passage of time.  His eyes remind me of my own.  I feel like I look into my own soul when I look at him sometimes.  My sister’s laugh sounds exactly like it did when she used to sing in her diaper to Fragg!e Rock songs.  We’re all grown, trying to assemble families of our own now.

Sometimes I lose my path…wandering, thinking that I’ve gone down the wrong road, but then I think–“Destiny Rules.”  Only she can guide me now.

“Maybe we should weigh it so that we can send around the birth announcement!”…”F is resting with the proposal.” Ha!  This guy is killing me with his birth jokes!  The timing is just uncanny!  Bwah!  My boss is completely cracking me up.

But one thing that isn’t really cracking me up is the lack of information afforded me with “charting my labido”–first of all, can there be such a thing as an increase…when it is maxxxed out all the time? Seriously, I have never cared much to attempt treatment of my (obvious) hormonal imbalances only out of fear that it might reduce my incredible sex drive.  Then what would I do?  Read?  Something other than the perverted, strange and unusual?  How could something be so wrong…that feels sooooo right?  I’m a creep, with a problem, but I have a hormonal reason… apparently.