Known Donor Down; New Frozen Donor Selected!

Ugh, our known donor option is out — a no go.

He was concerned about his inheritance or somethin…
Honestly, I don’t quite understand it.  If its money, it wouldn’t be an issue.  The child WILL be adopted by my partner within 3 months because we live in the great state of Illinois, Cook County in particular.

I was seriously disappointed for a day or so. Then I dusted myself off and started searching through donor profiles. I was a little disgusted that M wasn’t as interested to sort through them, but I realize that its still a little early. But when I ovulate, I get crazy–either extremely baby crazy, or just totally wild. Like I want to dress like a whore…grab my red lipstick and say “SEE YA!”

At first, I was so disappointed with the frozen donor options now.  We very much wanted to begin again with a fresh outlook with the frozen donor.  We’ve always wanted Colombian, but now I feel that its more important to just be Hispanic and preferrably taller.  Our previous donors were hovering around “short” and maybe that just doesn’t work well with my genetics.  I like tall men, period. But all of our donor options were slim or IUI only; I started to feel so cursed.  And then we found a perfect option.  At least, I’m convinced that he’s the PERFECT option and a belief in something so strong has to be positive for our outcome, right!  He’s incredible.  Tall, hispanic, creative…

That’s all we need.
And then today…I got a positive OPK for THE FIRST TIME!!!  I’ve never had one of those fuckin plastic things smile at me about anything!  Whew!  However, the big downer is that last month I seem to have ovulated on Day 19…this month its looking like Day 22.  That sucks.

Day 22 for a surge just really sucks.  But my egg white was amazing, albeit a little early…and my temperatures are completely stable thanks to acupuncture.
Its the one month countdown to begin.

Welcome back Spring! We’re ready.
[roll the tape.]

Returning to Light

Long time…

Yeah, so its been a long time.  We’ve taken a huge, needed, break from TTC–but not entirely.  The Lady M & I have been going to acupuncture religiously and its made a good deal of difference to my cycle.  I seem to have finally recovered from the Clomid desert and am feeling so ready to try again.  I wish that I could get some of the weight off, so I’m trying to make some livable changes–like majorly reducing my sugar intake by cutting out coffee entirely because of its acidity.  I drink giant mochas every day if unrestrained!  I’m also trying to eat more vegetables to help with my bodies pH.

We’ve moved to an amazing “green” apartment with low voc paints & carpets, recycled rubber linoleum & countertops.  It has a rooftop garden to increase the air quality with swings, a fireplace, and a water fountain.  You name it. Its awesome!  Its LEED Silver certified and brand new everything.  Its so amazing to go from growing up in a shack–to living in a brand new apartment that no one else has ever lived in!  However, I still find myself hating the city life more and more with each SLOWLY passing winter.

The acupuncturist is amazing.  She has kept me almost sane this winter.  And I feel so ready to try again, blinded in my fertility goggles again–but honestly I dread the frozen sperm game.  The only upside to that is the fact that I have flex money aside for sperm…which really makes me laugh to think about.  It sounds like a far-side cartoon or somethin.  And my cycle now consists of flatlines so it seems like it will be easier to time the insems.  We won’t have to fight over asking for the money (even though it was promised to us) each month.  And we’ve decided to try with 3 vials at a time, at least at first.

But all of a sudden, we’ve been presented with a possible known donor.  Its brought up all sorts of questions & excited us immensely with the increased odds.  We’ve been waiting to hear a definite yes.  I thoroughly appreciate the fact that he wants to seriously consider the ramifications.  But as time goes by without an answer, I’ve begun to expect the no.

I wish it were easier.  I wish the odds were better with frozen…ugh, I just wish we could get onto having a family of our own already…

Approaching…carefully

Ugh.  I’m becoming a nervous wreck about my pending ovulation.  We have missed my ovulation the past TWO cycles in a row!  I think because of the horrible cold weather and my body just wanting to shut down and hibernate.  But I’m slowly starting to feel the burn and hoping that I can stay on top of it for this cycle and actually perform the two inseminations without drama…

We spent a small fortune on these vials and then realized that we MISSED it, right after they arrived.  We had to store the vials at our local clinic and then hunt and search around for a tank to use this ovulation!  Whew.  It’s been crazy to say the least.  But I am sooooo excited.  It’s a whole new clinic with a brand new donor.

Also, the biggest exciting part of this new cycle is that Mariela and I really seem to be working out some HUGE issues that have been beating down our door AND that she went for acupuncture for the first time and…WOW.  I have never seen such a dramatic change in someone in my life!  Sex crazed!!!

My Own Colombian Glow…Slowly Starting to Burn?

The smug grin has left my face this morning…unfortunately.  My temperature dropped–yeah instead of rising as I had expected–it dropped.

Now, I did develop a cold sore last night from the excessive amounts of pineapple (to help the peapod stick).  I also only slept for 5 hours and got up extremely early (5:30am compared to my usual 7:30am) because of M’s crazy week of work.  I did the Temperature Corrector on Fertility Friend and it seemed to “correct” the problem and it looks like I’m actually on track.  It’s hard to chart so meticulously when you’re staying up all hours of the night, howling at the moon and inseminating at 4am!

But I gotta say, it was really hard to choke down the vitex tincture this morning and the multivitamin made me sick–now (a few hours later) I feel like I have major heartburn coming on from the vitamin + banana combo.  I love bananas.  They are probably my most favorite raw food, but today…I really had trouble eating it.  M thought maybe it was just my toothpaste mixing, but something just didn’t taste right.  And now heartburn?  I have never developed heartburn this time of day.  And strangely, despite the heartburn, I’m really hungry.  But on the other hand, the “cramps” seem to have subsided.  M thinks that was just caused from the seminal fluid in my cervix.  She’s usually right…being the witch doctor that she is.

Hopefully today’s temperature was just a fluke.  The weather has been completely crazy for my sleeping.  I either have the window open with nothing but a sheet, or bundled up in sweatpants or then the next night I sleep naked, all the windows closed and a heavy blanket! WTF!  Every night has been different for the past 2 weeks.

Oh well, I promised that I wouldn’t freak out and worry myself stupid.  So instead…I’ll focus on the good:

Gettin’ Warmer: Colombian Glow
Taken at high resolution in candlelight.  I’m gonna have a HUGE PRINT made for our studio work space.

*Added: I forgot to mention that EVERYONE had something to say about my appearance today.  I like your glasses (had them for over a year); Did you get a haircut?? (I desperately need a haircut); and even Mariela said that I looked different!  WTF?

Silly Rabbit

I feel absolutely ridiculously pregnant today.  I know that sounds completely ridiculous and silly…but I just know my body so well that something is definitely “strange”…perhaps its just because I have someone else’s DNA inside of my cervix!  Oooooh! Regardless I woke up with strange feelings…

We burned and fused together sometime around 4am.  Mariela was absolutely perfect.  And I certainly had had my doubts.  She’s a mess.  I was terrified that something horrible–some kind of crazy accident would screw things up.  But she was like an alternative insemination pro…It was quite an intense night, to say the least.  She’s my hero…when it all boils down.  She warmed the vial between her tits and that was about the hottest thing I’ve ever seen…

We spent the day walking to and around the Center on Halstead (a new gay neighborhood resource center in Boystown) and the gay thrift store across the street.  The Center is really incredible.  I wanted to go to every single senior’s class, and then M pointed out that they were for seniors.  Oh well, I could knit with some old ladies, what do I care!  Why should they!  The gay play date room for tots was a little small and disappointing, but perhaps it a good way just to meet other “gabies” and parents and then play somewhere else.  Anyway, it was just nice to be outside in the sunshine together.  I wanted to have sex in the school playground during our walk back home…so I guess I’m still “fertile”.  Ha!

I’m still egg whitey so we’re getting ready for AI #2!  I’m also feeling extremely creative and actually tackled a new painting without any hesitation.  It usually takes me a lot longer to build up to a whole new painting.  I’ll have all day tomorrow alone unfortunately, so maybe I’ll be able to better write out my thoughts of how I feel…just weird… 

Reunited and I feel so BROKE!

Well our car cost almost a million dollars to fix.  It was our good old standard fall–surprise you’re out of money, no car, broke, you betta walk bitches–time of year adventures!  Seriously, we have been together just over 7 years and we have ALWAYS been completely retardedly broke in the fall, but always do something spontaneous and wild.  We always end up destitute and kinda starving and it’s always the times of our lives that we remember the most.  And it’s also the times that we look back on and laugh because we’re lunatics, but god its so much more passionate that way.  I get so bored with the 9to5 culture of the city.  It’s so boring.  I look around at all the suit wearing condo owner/jogging/sports fans and think that we’re aliens, but thankful for it at the same time.

I’m feeling much better now that I’m reunited with my Jettie.  I spent last night chattin on the phone with my dear, crazy friend and that always brightens my spirits.  We talk like old women on the phone and hackle like two cats.  She says hilarious things about me trying to have a baby…[in a very pronounced Wisconsin accent] “Ah. You’re not going to be able to drink!” Haha…yeah I kinda know that.  “What are you going to do if you get a bunch of those eggs stuck up there?  Are you gonna have that shit sucked outta there–or are you gonna end up having quadruplets or somethin’??” Bwahahaha!  Laugh, she makes me cry.  God love her for even thinking that much or caring.  But why on earth would I have that many eggs?? I respond.  Obviously she’s been talkin’ to somebody that warned her of fertility treatments!  I’m like–no one in my family ever even had twins, why would I have quadruplets!?!?

She’s a riot.  I wish she lived closer. I hate the politics of Wisconsin or I’d move there just to act like old antique collecting fags with her more often.

I worked from home today and wow I really needed it.  I have been majorly stressing about this proposal at work and it’s not even over yet…but by Wed. @ midnight…it will be!  Hooray.  So for lunch, instead of eating, I decided to take a bike ride and thoroughly enjoyed myself.  I hate to “declare victory” but it was such a terrific ride!  I didn’t encounter ONE ASSHOLE!  That’s a first in the 3 years that I’ve lived in Chicago.  I cannot go outside without seeing someone that is just an asshole, doing something “assholey” (to quote Mariela).

It was nice to just get on my bicycle without even having a destination.  I rode to Southport and hooked up with the bike lane and just followed it until it ran out at Clybourn.  There was an awesome view of the city and a huge B&N Bookstore so I had to check out their lesbian baby book selections before returning of course.  I want to find more books to read, but surprisingly, it is somewhat difficult.  Considering Women & Children First, in the lesbian neighborhood, didn’t have really anything for lesbian’s having babies I thought, well checking a big ole corporate store couldn’t hurt at this point.  Yeah, well it didn’t help either.  Nothing.  They had one book that just looked stupid.  It was all about raising your children to be safe, stable, blah blah blah–feely, societal, overload.  So I shoved on.  But hey, at least I found a new movie theater that we can ride to entirely on a bike path…that’s THREE movie theaters…all on bike paths around us.  Pretty sweet, too bad we’re too broke to go to the movie.  I LOVE when we take nightly missions on our bikes–we ride the streets like two of the youngest “Outsiders”…the night air and lights on my face always makes me feel like “we’re lookin’ for trouble”…ha.

So I guess I’m going to have to ORDER lesbian baby books from Ahole.com instead of a real bookseller.  That stinks.  Maybe I can check out the bookstore in Milwaukee this weekend and get lucky with a better selection.

I tried to find this amazing picture book of Colombia again to look through, but couldn’t find it.  I can’t find anything when Mariela isn’t with me at the bookstore.  It’s pretty funny.  I’m extremely intelligent, but then there are these shockingly ignoramus things that I do or can’t do…like find a picture book.  But anyway the point is that I wanted to see more of what the “average” Colombian looks like…their color…facial features, etc.  I mean, I know what “my” Colombian looks like, but I guess I’m just really nervous about what the donor looks like?  Maybe that’s completely crazy.  I never wanted to worry about such a thing, but now that it’s approaching, I have to say that I’m a little more worked up.  I think that maybe ordering the photo might be a good thing…

But as a sidenote, as if I don’t make enough of them, the pictures of Colombian were absolutely beautiful that I did find.  I have such vivid dreams of going there someday and seeing it all with La-la.  It looks incredible.  I really want our babies to be connected to Colombia too.  I just shouldn’t even think about what he looks like.  It really doesn’t matter to me.  And it’s not that “I’m worried” about it–but just that I can’t stop thinking about it and want some confirmation–obsessing, that’s the word.  And it’s something that I promised I wouldn’t do. 

P.S. I think today was the first day without noticeable pain in my jaw in 10 days.  Whew! I can’t wait to sleep tonight.

My Other Lady

So I woke up even more gutted–after dreaming that our baby would be ugly or dumb or not right because of me–and LATE for my appointment with VW. Thankfully I fell back asleep at 5am, but had bad dreams the whole time. What the hell was this guy even like? Does it matter? What if he’s weird? What if our baby was strange looking? Dreams of just my fears basically…that we’re just not good enough…perhaps we aren’t.

Maybe I should break down and buy the baby photo of the donor? I had wanted to wait to see if it worked with him, but maybe I should just buy it. But then I probably can’t even afford it at this point…

To add to the current state of turmoil, VW called and said that my car needs just short of a miracle. Jettie’s water pump has crapped out, causing the need for a new timing belt and serpentine belt as well because…well why not right? So how the hell am I supposed to do that?

But if there’s one thing I know in this life–it’s that I can count on Jettie to get me out of a jam when the going gets tough. I may need that car to blaze across the sky. She (well her sister) didn’t let us down, well okay she kinda let us “down” but ohhhhh so gently in our roll-over wreck in Phoenix. Most people probably wouldn’t walk out of a traumatic wreck like that and go buy almost the same exact car, but I did. I was married to that car. She saved the only thing that I cared about in the world…Mariela.

I feel indebted to that car. She’s stronger than I am. She did what I couldn’t–what I failed to do. After seeing the sunroof smash into the sand and the hi-fidelity car stereo screaming Stevie Nicks’ I hear there’s trouble in Shangri-La cut off…I thought that my life was over. I couldn’t see a thing. The dust was so thick…but when I reached out and met Mariela’s hand grabbing for mine, I just knew that it would all be okay. Jettie had saved us, no two ways about it. We walked away with only one small scratch on my arm and a bruise on M’s shoulder. I think, it was the most incredible day of my life.

But then, I was taught to live for raw emotions and adrenaline. Hence, I would probably be a lousy parent.

But in honor of my Jettie…laid up in the service bay today…a short film, of the photo roman genre, we created about the trials of transportation…very fitting for a day like today:

Moto Mirage from CopyCatFilms on Vimeo.





I love you Jettie…we’ll ride again…soon!

Jettie Wants to Move

Our car is giving us the warning sign–she can’t take the commute anymore than we can. She’s starting to freak out. She’s trying to tell us that it’s time to pack up and do something completely different. This happened in Nashville 3 years ago…and we had to just up and start over. We headed “home” to the northern states and resettled in Chicago. Our goal was to find that progressive city that was green. We’ve always been green–before it was a hipster hot word. We couldn’t take the wasting of petrol any longer and decided that riding our bikes would be easier in Chicago…

But we didn’t really account for how SPRAWLING Chicago is. Nor did we account for the fact that winter lasts 6-9 months either! I’m so torn. I don’t want to leave our entire families–particularly at a time that we would like them to be around–with a baby. But damn, why did they all have to settle in the middle of nowhere? Why should we keep it going for that matter!?!?

Portland is just so far…but it’s completely dreamy. Same goes for L.A. Or even Davis, CA is amazing for bicycling apparently. But then we convince ourselves with maybe Madison, WI. But then, they don’t even offer DP benefits. I would grow so bitter, so fast…especially because I want to stay home with the baby and work on expanding our film company.

I miss working on films and projects with my lady. We spend too much time working and commuting these days. We gotta make a change. It just seems so hard right now.

Ahh, I don’t know. Maybe my overwhelming discontent stems from the fact that I have done without pain pills and writhed in pain for the past 5 days since my dental surgery…Last night was the worse, so I’m kinda startin’ to freak that something is wrong. I go back tomorrow to get the stitches taken out. I almost broke down at 5am this morning to take vic0din again, but didn’t…I was awake all night. I got up @ 5am and did a fluoride treatment, cried, and then buried myself in Mariela to sleep. I didn’t wake up until almost 9am. Oops…I’m late. Again.

The point is that I’m trying to avoid pain relievers and synthetic drugs at this point…a mere 10 days away from insemination. I don’t want my eggs to be hopped up on pills! They probably wouldn’t even be able to recognize a uterus or anything!

Agent Ordered.

My Mission is complete.  I’m so excited! I have horrible cramps and visualize the world melting from moment to moment as I frantically try to prepare the final preparations for submitting our HUGE proposal at work…before my extremely rushed dental surgery tomorrow!  I will be out the rest of the week and it’s a horrible week to be out.  Not only because of the proposal, but because we don’t have internet at home…STILL.

I rushed the surgery because it has to be DONE before we inseminate in a couple of weeks.  It is the fourth quadrant to be completed and the last for now of my horrible dental saga this year.  They will go in and cut open the gums around each tooth, pull them back and then grind and smooth the bone tissue between each tooth, and then stitch them all up so that I look like the bride of Frankenstein (see below).  It’s horribly painful, but I have decided that it is completely vital for me to quickly recover and not let this one get me down.  I plan to be working by Friday (from a coffee shop instead of home).  The quicker I recover, the less chance it has of screwing up my cycle.  I have faith that my will is stronger than pain.  I’ve learned to endure it…

<——[Last year at Xmas.]

To sum it up…I was a victim of the state child welfare system after I was taken by the state and made an official “ward of the state.”  They provided me with ill care in the form of only one orthodontist that was completely corrupt.  He put braces on every child in the city.  I wore them for 4.5 years without much movement–he was just collecting payments from the state.  Then in the last 6 mos. he moved them like crazy…and as a result…he pretty much destroyed my entire bone structure around every tooth.  So last year I found out that instead of winning the lottery–it’s like I lost it…

Someday I will have to pay for the complete implanted restoration of my entire mouth.  It has been quite the road, but I’m closing this small chapter tomorrow so that I can get on to this next chapter of our lives.  I’ll return again…but this is my official calling of a time-out of this game.

P.S. The dentist was indicted and actually served time for fraud.  But lawyers tell me that I can’t sue because it’s been so long.  We’ll see about that…

"Settling" our first order…

I’m so excited that we’re going to order our first stash of sperm tomorrow…I never thought that would be something that I would get excited about…but life has a funny way of changing around on me.

I feel so caught up and twisted in this time of “settling” and becoming responsible for a family…and the ingrained need to run and experience the world.  Like the whole way to work today was spent trying to figure out how we could just up and move to L.A.  We aren’t the “settling down” types and I know that even with a baby we would still be unrealistic and unpredictable, to say the least.  But its just the quickly approaching winter that makes me unsettled.  I’m not ready for it to be this gray and dark when I wake up, but I am really really looking forward to these next three months of trying…after that…we may move thousands of miles away and “begin again”…

Speaking of dark and gray.  The weather this past weekend was horrible here in Chicago.  It was so humid and disgusting and then it RAINED forever.  Cars were almost completely underwater in parts of the city…we headed out for an exciting adventure to Pilsen to check out a wholesale fabric place that is supposed to be really awesome, not to mention a cool neighborhood in Chicago that we can’t live because of our jobs.  (It would have been perfect for completing the feng shui of our living room.)  We stopped at a cafe for lunch and parked Jettie in a swamp and then got soaked walking the 50 feet to the restaurant.  So then we were cold and gutted…

But had a great lunch and tried to convince ourselves to hustle out to REI instead to get rain boots.  After checking the iphone we realized that the Edens Exp was not moving…not very express.  So we walked in the rain for cat + dog food instead.  Then we went into the yuppie baby shoppe (with our dog food) and looked at the infant Halloween costumes and oooh’ed and ahhh’ed while disapproving and confused yuppie moms stared.

So in weather like that…where else is there to go?  I mean, seriously.  We drove straight to Target, the one that’s slightly further away…just because it has completely covered parking and an underground entrance!  To hell with walking in the rain in Birkenstocks!  So we had a blast going through Target as we always do…We act like it’s a park, only indoors and with lots of capitalistic crap everywhere…

Mariela keeps taking me to the breastfeeding isle of stuff because I know she can see the anxiety all over my face about the whole idea.  She’s promised to be my “lactation consultant,” but I think she’s just being a creep.  It all looks so complicated and overwhelming…so she’s trying to build up my immunities by making me go down that isle every time we’re in a Targetto.

We spent the rest of the weekend hanging out together and doing the Wii Fit.  Mariela is like obsessed with it!  It’s hilarious.  I cannot believe that something so simple can make me sweat so quickly!  We’re such typical competitive women that we strive for the higher score every time so it keeps us going.  We’ve been doing it for only a week and M looks completely different!  Her posture is totally better!  And she’s also really cute in her little work out shorts, playin’ hula hoop without a hoop.

We had to return the “rechargeable” battery pack to Be$t Buy…Mariela cracked me up at the counter telling the girl…“I’m just trying to get fit–dang.” Hahaha…they just felt sorry for her because they’re…well iggnunt.  I laughed because she’s hysterical.