Looking Forward to 2011

So we’ve failed and been through it all.  Time and time again.  We’ve bought a total of 17 vials of frozen sperm at this point.  Yeah, count’em: SEVENTEEN.  That’s over ten K!  Not funny when you both work for a non-profit.  Not funny at all.  But looking back at the wreckage, I still wouldn’t change it–even given what I know now.  We needed this path to get to where we’re going.

We would NEVER have chosen fertility drugs and doctors…
But your view can do a complete 180 when you’re faced with extremely high sperm costs and adoption discrimination–not to mention the extremely odd situation of open adoption.  We’re both adoptees and its such a weird topic to consider open adoption.  It just doesn’t sit well.  I’ve never had a family of my own, being adopted and bounced around to sit on the outskirts of other people’s families…I find it so extremely hard to deal with the idea of having “the real mother” out there and my kids feeling like I did–missing something that doesn’t even exist.

So we’ve moved on to fertility medicines and a charming doctor that makes me believe in him.  He has a good smile.  I trust them for some reason.  Unfortunately this was our first try with him and it failed.  But it was my very first IUI and I didn’t react well to the Chl0mid.  Didn’t react well meaning I flipped out and exploded volcanic firey flames at every single person in my life.  And then I slammed the door in someone’s face at work.

And then the local sperm bank proved to be a complete joke–unprofessional and basically a mess with no diversity in their sperm selection: surprise.  How…Midwestern.

So it was a panic and rush to get one vial of sperm from California here before the egg dropped.  But I wasn’t nearly as devasted this time to “fail” because I believe there is a way.  They ran ten thousand dollars worth of tests to determine that I am “normal”…just too fat.  Fortunately my new job keeps me so busy I fail to eat!

I’m still staunch with my acupuncture.  She believes in us sometimes more than I think we ever could.  I’ve never met a spirit so capable of giving care and kindness so willingly to people.  It is truly a gift she possesses.  I’ve wanted to give up and burn to the ground and she just won’t let it happen.  She’s amazing.

The new year is comin’ and I am getting ready.  We’ve decided that we deserve twins at this point.  One baby for each year of trying.  I’m gonna hold the universe to it!
“Never give up-try, really try…”-Grey Gardens.

Returning to Light

Long time…

Yeah, so its been a long time.  We’ve taken a huge, needed, break from TTC–but not entirely.  The Lady M & I have been going to acupuncture religiously and its made a good deal of difference to my cycle.  I seem to have finally recovered from the Clomid desert and am feeling so ready to try again.  I wish that I could get some of the weight off, so I’m trying to make some livable changes–like majorly reducing my sugar intake by cutting out coffee entirely because of its acidity.  I drink giant mochas every day if unrestrained!  I’m also trying to eat more vegetables to help with my bodies pH.

We’ve moved to an amazing “green” apartment with low voc paints & carpets, recycled rubber linoleum & countertops.  It has a rooftop garden to increase the air quality with swings, a fireplace, and a water fountain.  You name it. Its awesome!  Its LEED Silver certified and brand new everything.  Its so amazing to go from growing up in a shack–to living in a brand new apartment that no one else has ever lived in!  However, I still find myself hating the city life more and more with each SLOWLY passing winter.

The acupuncturist is amazing.  She has kept me almost sane this winter.  And I feel so ready to try again, blinded in my fertility goggles again–but honestly I dread the frozen sperm game.  The only upside to that is the fact that I have flex money aside for sperm…which really makes me laugh to think about.  It sounds like a far-side cartoon or somethin.  And my cycle now consists of flatlines so it seems like it will be easier to time the insems.  We won’t have to fight over asking for the money (even though it was promised to us) each month.  And we’ve decided to try with 3 vials at a time, at least at first.

But all of a sudden, we’ve been presented with a possible known donor.  Its brought up all sorts of questions & excited us immensely with the increased odds.  We’ve been waiting to hear a definite yes.  I thoroughly appreciate the fact that he wants to seriously consider the ramifications.  But as time goes by without an answer, I’ve begun to expect the no.

I wish it were easier.  I wish the odds were better with frozen…ugh, I just wish we could get onto having a family of our own already…

Best Insemination Yet

I’m laying in bed still–legs propped up since 5am. This was by far the best insemination that we’ve done. I wasn’t upset, uptight or worried. I wasn’t ANY of those things for the first time! It’s really stupid that going to a doctor for medicines and shots somehow, in the end, made it feel more relaxed and natural for me.

My lady is so great with the insems. She’s calm & comfortable while dealing with the sperm and vial…it’s out of her character so I know how important it is. The alarm buzzed at 5am and she said “lady, just turn it off–I’m wide awake.” I was so surprised!?!? What have you done with the snoring monster that shares my bed?

She was absolutely perfect. She fed all the animals, walked the dog, and brought me water & vitamins before heading to the bus. I feel calm and thankful that this time was different. Better. Perfect.

I didn’t have to take my fucking temperature every morning and blame myself for all of my failures, before even starting the day. And even better, I won’t have to analyze any early pregnancy symptoms because it will all just be because of the increased progesterone from the shot the RE is doing next week.

I can return to my life for two weeks & just trust the HPT when it’s time. And its a good thing because we start production on a commercial/science info spot this week.

AND I was head hunted at my day job…but more about that when I get more news!

TWO Eggs! Yippee.

The insurance company sent my morning for a whirl. I went to the pharmacy and was told that they didn’t have the Novarel shot.  They found a Walbeens 27 mins away! Ugh. Oh well I figured–its early. I have time.  On my way there, they called to tell me that my insurance company was denying payment because I have to go through a “specialty pharmacy”–whatever the fuck that means! I was agitated…as I had been ALL MORNING at every single object anywhere near my path.  That’s just how I get during ovulation…like a supercharged bitch…in heat.

So I call the “Specialty Pharmacy” and find out that I either pay $127 to have the shot now…or I pay $10 to have it tomorrow.  I don’t know what to do.  I’m not the doctor that seems to know all these things! So I just agree to have it shipped and call the doctor.  She’s so awesome.  Very Chicago–we get things done kind of attitude:  “So we’ll wait. Fine.  Call me in the morning.” I go to my office…and low and behold…the fucking air-conditioner is broken!  We can’t open windows–ah hell nah. I’m leaving.  But before I do, the Doc calls! “Okay, I want you to just come on in and let me take a look.” I agree, jump in the car, and get in a fight with two old men in the parking lot (I swear it was a remake of Fried Green Tomatoes, and I was really ready to ram their late model buick with my VW Jetta and not even blink an eye–mega supercharged bitch)!  She checks with the dildocam and yeah!! I have TWO EGGS 19 and 23mm ready to POP!   So excited…

She pulls out a special stash of Novarel and stabs me in the ass with it and I’m on my way!  We inseminate in the morning.  Still as excited as ever…wheeeeeeeeeee.

HSG Test. OPEN TUBES!

Yuck. I went in yesterday morning for an HSG radiology test of my uterus (for those unfamiliar its when they shoot dye into your uterus via catheter and take xrays to see if the dye flows thru your fallopian tubes) and yeay!! mine opened and the dye flowed!  At first one of them didn’t want to but with more forceful thrusts of the dye–it opened.  Secretly of course I keep convincing myself that maybe THIS is what I needed.  Just to open up my tubes and flush them out a little and I’ll be good to go!  (Research does show a slight improvement of pregnancy rates following the HSG test so hey I’m crossing my fingers!)

All of my blood tests have been fine, O+.  I don’t have syphilis or HIV…or any Hepititises.  Whew.

The only lab report to come back slightly abnormal so far has been the Free Testosterone.  The RE doesn’t even understand this…she doesn’t even normally test the Free T!?!?  I’m a freak what can I say.

So a LOT has happened this month…I will try to recap and bring this blog up to speed.  I have not been filming much so I need to document somewhere right!

First of all, I ended up eventually getting my period–after 45 agonizing nausea induced days.  Everyone thinks I’m crazy and “just occasionally have a long cycle”–Okay, sure.  It just happens to also come right after we inseminate…and accompanied with nausea, sore nipples, larger tits!?  WTF, I’m not crazy.  I live in this iggnunt body ALL THE TIME.  However, the RE has agreed that there might be a progesterone problem…and plans to test my levels after we inseminate.

I think I keep getting pregnant and then lose the little fertilized thing because either the egg was too old (late OV) or that my progesterone drops.  Either way it has majorly SUCKED to feel off-and-on pregnant for the past 10 months…with nothing to come of it anyway.

So this cycle has flown so far. I’m not temping anymore.  I just can’t stand waking up and doing that for a while.  Its been so long.  I did a ton of blood tests, now the HSG test, and started Clomid.  Yeah, so much for being au naturale…ugh. I just want us to have a family so bad.  The doctor tries to calm me by saying that its been used for 60 years and has virtually no side effects.  But I still worry about troubles breastfeeding, etc. that I’ve read about with Clomid.

Regardless, I think that my late ovulation is not good.  And I also think that not being able to time my ovulation at all has caused us a lot of panic and money because we are never sure about timing.  The only time that I received a CLEAR SURGE was during our “dry run” month–before we had sperm!  I’m extremely excited to try this cycle…

TTC is really much easier for a child raised in the crazy way that I was.  My mother left me ALL THE TIME with different parts of our family–and by “leave” I mean leave.  Like enroll me in school and share a bedroom with cousins.  But she always promised to come back.  She always assured me that we’d have a happy family someday…but like a dumb child, I continuously believed in her.  No one else did.  But I did.  I dreamed and waited for that day.  It conditioned me to forgive her, over and over.  Dust myself off and keep believing.  So this TTC business is no different for me.  Sure, each and every time I’m devastated and cry. I blame everyone around me. I blame my mother, my brother for the horrible things he said to me…and then I flip right back around and start believing all over again.

I go to the beach with my latina. She carries me around in the water and we smile like we’re stupid at the shinning sun above us and reflecting off of Lake Michigan.  I believe.  Every single time.

Thanks Mom.

BFN…

So after the weekend camping trip in Michigan with my family (which I had to stay completely sober for) and feeling queasy and weird and late…I decided to test today because it is the beginning of our week of stacation.  I have lots of projects that I need to focus on this week.  I spend way too much time at work and coping with life. I need more time to work on my art.  Its the only thing that makes me really happy.  So I wanted to just know so that I can deal with it, accept the loss of this cycle, and just go on for a little while not thinking about it!  Sometimes I think that I just can’t take my temperatures anymore.  Maybe I will feel differently when the next cycle starts, but I am just so tired of over-focusing on TTC…the first thing when I wake up every morning, when I have sex, when I think about my future…its kinda crazy.  So I’ve also decided that I’m not gonna get all upset and crazy when I get my period.  Its just retarded to be that dramatic.  Sure the sperm is expensive, but I can make more money. I have lots more eggs to experiment with! And at least now I can go to a fertility doctor to see “why”.

The good news is that DCI may have fucked up my cycle but it is making me a more leveled out person, maybe its making both of us a little more leveled out.  We’ve been getting along so much better.  We enjoy every moment we spend together again, its felt like the old days with us, and the focus is not so “all about baby making all the time”…The camping trip made me kind of realize that maybe its just not time–and when it is time–it will happen in some way.  I’m not running out of time.  I’m just getting started with my art business endeavors.  Perhaps there’s a higher being that just thinks that I should wait because a baby might slow me down…

I have to focus on our projects now.  We have a paid commercial spot for a really neat alternative psychology treatment. M has a brand new exciting job.  There is always good around, even though sometimes its hard to see it.

I’m going to seriously look into adoption options for gay people.  I know they suck, but I’m gonna look into it when I can.  Then maybe we can try again with the same donor sperm in September.  I need to figure out my new DCI-induced cycles now…and perhaps I can get a vignette trailer edited together to scout out some funding for our TTC Documentary Project.

Psychosomatic Symptoms

The second week of the “two weeks waiting” is always the hardest. The first week goes by so fast actually that I think it’s going to be a breeze. Then life slows down. The days are longer & slower…and I start to develop all of the psychosomatic preggo symptoms! It drives me crazy to “feel” pregnant so soon…because everytime it has led to disappointment. And even though I have very little expectations for this cycle…I still have had strange reoccuring egg white, frequent urination, and heartburn, oh and now sleeplessness!! All just in the last two days. It makes me crazy.

Last night I stayed up until almost 2am working away on my film projects. And yet, here I am wide awake at 6:30am with heartburn! &$@!

Sometimes I think that it’s just telling me that my body rejects it everytime and that maybe I’m just not cutout for carrying a child?? I would accept that, but I’m also the only one with a regular period and consistent charts. We will have a family of our own. Not sure how yet… But at least we’re working on it.

Crazy Cycle, D-chiro inositol & Insem…

Ugh, it was like gambling with $600! I’m just way to uptight about money to do that! I have a much easier time gambling with money when it comes to film equipment.  Sperm is just so…fleeting.  I can’t hold it in my hands like a fancy new light kit…well at least I don’t want to.

I have no idea why the DCI (d-chirol inositol) would have caused me to NOT OVULATE when I have ovulated every single month we have been charting…going on a year now.  Ugh, I never believed it would take this long.  The women in my family have babies against their will.  They give them away.  But I’m different.  I’ve always been different I guess.  For that, I am grateful. So like all things–I have to accept the good with the bad.  Its just the way I am.

They did the hormone blood test on day 3 and everything was fine–EXCEPT the free testosterone was too high. Ugh, yeah obviously…

This cycle I even broke down and went to a fertility specialist.  She said the dildocam gave good images of a healthy normal uterus & ovaries…

Why is the medical field so experimental yet costs soooo much?  Why doesn’t anyone know shit about lesbians hormones?  Ya’d think the religious right would be funding that research to try to “medicate their gay offspring” to be “normal” or something equally crazy.

I really think the DCI has reduced my testosterone though. I’m not as CRAZY about sex, I sleep a little more, and I’ve had less problems with mood swings.  The only real problem is the lack of ovulation signs.  I got a crazy amount of egg white on like CD 25!?!? WTF.  It was like 4 days after we inseminated so if that’s when I ovulated–we’re back at the crap table!  Maybe its just making me ovulate more?  Who the hells knows…I’m gonna go back to the fertility doctor after I get my period, to do more testing.

This cycle is kind of nice because I don’t have any expectations.  The waiting and wondering and then the bleeding are just getting to me.  I’m a strong baby dyke that can take a lot of pain.  My entire personality was shaped by heartache & pain…but these brutal cycles have really taken a toll on me.  BUT, it’s funny because the weather has completely changed my take on it all together.  I really think I can handle the trying and failing in the warm, nice weather with sun.  The gray Chicago days of winter (51 days straight of below freezing temperatures & over a foot of snow) made it absolutely HORRIBLE.  I will not try through the winter again.  It was a total waste.  My mind was not stable enough.  It was just something to occupy my crazy mind.  Thankfully I realize that now…

Wish we had some of that money back to try during the nice weather!  I’m stupid for being impatient and wanting to try during the horrible cold.  I just see babies everywhere and I want that future for us.  We’re not a typical couple, and we certainly wouldn’t be typical parents, but we would be good ones.  I know that.  And if anything, this brutal process has taught me that my partner is a dedicated, devoted, strong-loving person that would be an amazing parent.

And that amazing lady is starting her NEW job soon! Today is the last day of her current job–we vacation–and she starts at the new digs downtown with a view of a ferris wheel.  Perfect for her personality, seriously.  Its a whole new chapter for us…and we are extremely excited.  Chicago pulls us back in for another go’round!

Drama, Film Fests, More Sperm

Wow, I’ve had a rough few days fighting with part of my family via Facebook–LAME. Its really been TTC related because my brother’s girlfriend keeps having babies faster than I can afford gifts. But I’m soooooo happy for them and have been beyond supportive. I’ve driven the 5 and a half hour trek to see them and their kids several times since my nephew was born…

A few weeks ago, when I was there, they told us that they are pregnant again and not really at all happy about it. And that they were planning on joking with us that they were going to give it to us. Yeah…really…funny.

So I confessed that we have spent thousands of dollars trying to have a baby of our own and that I feel cursed because my mother didn’t want me and gave us all up. I explained that I think that nature is trying to cut us off and not let any of the girls reproduce. Kinda crazy thoughts, but TTC does funny things to a woman. Especially when she hears about her brother having ANOTHER child…and that they don’t want it.  The universe is typically extremely cruel to me, but this seemed really hard to swallow.

We had a nice visit. I left feeling very surreal about the whole thing. I saw my brother acting JUST like my mother used to with us. She was awful. She had no patience with us. She was strict and mean. So is he. It made me really question whether I wanted children at all. I don’t want to be her. I have never wanted to be her. I’ve run so far from her…and here she was looking back at me with eyes younger than mine, in the shape of my baby brother.

Sooooo, I have spent these past few months really focusing on my film business and getting a commercial job lined up for the summer, teaching myself adobe after effects, and started taking DCI to see if it would have any effects on my cycle.  I had to move TTC to the back burner, for our sanity.

I update my twitter often with things about my editing, film work, technical crap that I find terribly exciting. I realize that others might not, but that’s what makes this a free society. My brother’s live-in decides to passively attack me and say things like “god you dooooo so much! You need to have a baby and SLOW DOWN.” I was so crushed that someone, the ONLY ONE that I have told in my family about TTC, would be so blatantly horrible and just slap me right across the face. WHY do you think I spend so much time on my business? Because I have been unsuccessful in having a child…so why wouldn’t we focus our energies on positive things???!!!

I am a fighter. Just like my mother. I attacked her jugular after she made further bitchy remarks to my baby sister. Wow. No one will talk down to my sister–except me! I am so angry that she would be so insensitive and cruel. I see no reason not to completely reduce her to rubble. Its just the passion we possess. She really attacked all of us saying that “you’re ALL NUTS”…woah. My sister is my sister. She amazed me. She came out of the cage fighting like a prized bull. We may be infertile bitches…but we watch out for our own. I’m bitter today but trying to move on.

But I’m excited to report that all our hard work means that we have TWO Film Festival’s to attend in the next couple of weeks, inseminating right between’em. Our first short will have its world premiere right here in Chicago. I may not have a baby. But I have artistic visions and dreams that even a fetus couldn’t keep me from. I am determined.

And along those lines, I am determined to celebrate our upcoming 8th anniversary with a vial of sperm on ice. Asti.

And P.S. We’re switching donors to the 100% Colombian. Yeay!

Yep, Testosterone is too High…

What a surprise. I have the libido of a 20 year old man, muscle mass of steel, and road rage like nobody’s business! I have boundless energy and do best on only a few hours of sleep each night. I am confident and self absorbed.

The clinic called today to tell me that–yes, my Testosterone is too high and they will hash it over with the doctor. Meanwhile, I am expecting a surge any moment and we may inseminate tonight.

It looks like Saw Palmetto is the natural remedy used by my native american peoples to treat reproductive problems. So I’m going to pick some up tonight…and continue my research.

I guess this means that I should take at least a month off of TTC in an attempt to reduce my T somehow…ugh.

But hey, at least this explains my obsession with breasts right?