Looking Forward to 2011

So we’ve failed and been through it all.  Time and time again.  We’ve bought a total of 17 vials of frozen sperm at this point.  Yeah, count’em: SEVENTEEN.  That’s over ten K!  Not funny when you both work for a non-profit.  Not funny at all.  But looking back at the wreckage, I still wouldn’t change it–even given what I know now.  We needed this path to get to where we’re going.

We would NEVER have chosen fertility drugs and doctors…
But your view can do a complete 180 when you’re faced with extremely high sperm costs and adoption discrimination–not to mention the extremely odd situation of open adoption.  We’re both adoptees and its such a weird topic to consider open adoption.  It just doesn’t sit well.  I’ve never had a family of my own, being adopted and bounced around to sit on the outskirts of other people’s families…I find it so extremely hard to deal with the idea of having “the real mother” out there and my kids feeling like I did–missing something that doesn’t even exist.

So we’ve moved on to fertility medicines and a charming doctor that makes me believe in him.  He has a good smile.  I trust them for some reason.  Unfortunately this was our first try with him and it failed.  But it was my very first IUI and I didn’t react well to the Chl0mid.  Didn’t react well meaning I flipped out and exploded volcanic firey flames at every single person in my life.  And then I slammed the door in someone’s face at work.

And then the local sperm bank proved to be a complete joke–unprofessional and basically a mess with no diversity in their sperm selection: surprise.  How…Midwestern.

So it was a panic and rush to get one vial of sperm from California here before the egg dropped.  But I wasn’t nearly as devasted this time to “fail” because I believe there is a way.  They ran ten thousand dollars worth of tests to determine that I am “normal”…just too fat.  Fortunately my new job keeps me so busy I fail to eat!

I’m still staunch with my acupuncture.  She believes in us sometimes more than I think we ever could.  I’ve never met a spirit so capable of giving care and kindness so willingly to people.  It is truly a gift she possesses.  I’ve wanted to give up and burn to the ground and she just won’t let it happen.  She’s amazing.

The new year is comin’ and I am getting ready.  We’ve decided that we deserve twins at this point.  One baby for each year of trying.  I’m gonna hold the universe to it!
“Never give up-try, really try…”-Grey Gardens.

BFN…

So after the weekend camping trip in Michigan with my family (which I had to stay completely sober for) and feeling queasy and weird and late…I decided to test today because it is the beginning of our week of stacation.  I have lots of projects that I need to focus on this week.  I spend way too much time at work and coping with life. I need more time to work on my art.  Its the only thing that makes me really happy.  So I wanted to just know so that I can deal with it, accept the loss of this cycle, and just go on for a little while not thinking about it!  Sometimes I think that I just can’t take my temperatures anymore.  Maybe I will feel differently when the next cycle starts, but I am just so tired of over-focusing on TTC…the first thing when I wake up every morning, when I have sex, when I think about my future…its kinda crazy.  So I’ve also decided that I’m not gonna get all upset and crazy when I get my period.  Its just retarded to be that dramatic.  Sure the sperm is expensive, but I can make more money. I have lots more eggs to experiment with! And at least now I can go to a fertility doctor to see “why”.

The good news is that DCI may have fucked up my cycle but it is making me a more leveled out person, maybe its making both of us a little more leveled out.  We’ve been getting along so much better.  We enjoy every moment we spend together again, its felt like the old days with us, and the focus is not so “all about baby making all the time”…The camping trip made me kind of realize that maybe its just not time–and when it is time–it will happen in some way.  I’m not running out of time.  I’m just getting started with my art business endeavors.  Perhaps there’s a higher being that just thinks that I should wait because a baby might slow me down…

I have to focus on our projects now.  We have a paid commercial spot for a really neat alternative psychology treatment. M has a brand new exciting job.  There is always good around, even though sometimes its hard to see it.

I’m going to seriously look into adoption options for gay people.  I know they suck, but I’m gonna look into it when I can.  Then maybe we can try again with the same donor sperm in September.  I need to figure out my new DCI-induced cycles now…and perhaps I can get a vignette trailer edited together to scout out some funding for our TTC Documentary Project.