Known Donor Down; New Frozen Donor Selected!

Ugh, our known donor option is out — a no go.

He was concerned about his inheritance or somethin…
Honestly, I don’t quite understand it.  If its money, it wouldn’t be an issue.  The child WILL be adopted by my partner within 3 months because we live in the great state of Illinois, Cook County in particular.

I was seriously disappointed for a day or so. Then I dusted myself off and started searching through donor profiles. I was a little disgusted that M wasn’t as interested to sort through them, but I realize that its still a little early. But when I ovulate, I get crazy–either extremely baby crazy, or just totally wild. Like I want to dress like a whore…grab my red lipstick and say “SEE YA!”

At first, I was so disappointed with the frozen donor options now.  We very much wanted to begin again with a fresh outlook with the frozen donor.  We’ve always wanted Colombian, but now I feel that its more important to just be Hispanic and preferrably taller.  Our previous donors were hovering around “short” and maybe that just doesn’t work well with my genetics.  I like tall men, period. But all of our donor options were slim or IUI only; I started to feel so cursed.  And then we found a perfect option.  At least, I’m convinced that he’s the PERFECT option and a belief in something so strong has to be positive for our outcome, right!  He’s incredible.  Tall, hispanic, creative…

That’s all we need.
And then today…I got a positive OPK for THE FIRST TIME!!!  I’ve never had one of those fuckin plastic things smile at me about anything!  Whew!  However, the big downer is that last month I seem to have ovulated on Day 19…this month its looking like Day 22.  That sucks.

Day 22 for a surge just really sucks.  But my egg white was amazing, albeit a little early…and my temperatures are completely stable thanks to acupuncture.
Its the one month countdown to begin.

Welcome back Spring! We’re ready.
[roll the tape.]

Best Insemination Yet

I’m laying in bed still–legs propped up since 5am. This was by far the best insemination that we’ve done. I wasn’t upset, uptight or worried. I wasn’t ANY of those things for the first time! It’s really stupid that going to a doctor for medicines and shots somehow, in the end, made it feel more relaxed and natural for me.

My lady is so great with the insems. She’s calm & comfortable while dealing with the sperm and vial…it’s out of her character so I know how important it is. The alarm buzzed at 5am and she said “lady, just turn it off–I’m wide awake.” I was so surprised!?!? What have you done with the snoring monster that shares my bed?

She was absolutely perfect. She fed all the animals, walked the dog, and brought me water & vitamins before heading to the bus. I feel calm and thankful that this time was different. Better. Perfect.

I didn’t have to take my fucking temperature every morning and blame myself for all of my failures, before even starting the day. And even better, I won’t have to analyze any early pregnancy symptoms because it will all just be because of the increased progesterone from the shot the RE is doing next week.

I can return to my life for two weeks & just trust the HPT when it’s time. And its a good thing because we start production on a commercial/science info spot this week.

AND I was head hunted at my day job…but more about that when I get more news!

TWO Eggs! Yippee.

The insurance company sent my morning for a whirl. I went to the pharmacy and was told that they didn’t have the Novarel shot.  They found a Walbeens 27 mins away! Ugh. Oh well I figured–its early. I have time.  On my way there, they called to tell me that my insurance company was denying payment because I have to go through a “specialty pharmacy”–whatever the fuck that means! I was agitated…as I had been ALL MORNING at every single object anywhere near my path.  That’s just how I get during ovulation…like a supercharged bitch…in heat.

So I call the “Specialty Pharmacy” and find out that I either pay $127 to have the shot now…or I pay $10 to have it tomorrow.  I don’t know what to do.  I’m not the doctor that seems to know all these things! So I just agree to have it shipped and call the doctor.  She’s so awesome.  Very Chicago–we get things done kind of attitude:  “So we’ll wait. Fine.  Call me in the morning.” I go to my office…and low and behold…the fucking air-conditioner is broken!  We can’t open windows–ah hell nah. I’m leaving.  But before I do, the Doc calls! “Okay, I want you to just come on in and let me take a look.” I agree, jump in the car, and get in a fight with two old men in the parking lot (I swear it was a remake of Fried Green Tomatoes, and I was really ready to ram their late model buick with my VW Jetta and not even blink an eye–mega supercharged bitch)!  She checks with the dildocam and yeah!! I have TWO EGGS 19 and 23mm ready to POP!   So excited…

She pulls out a special stash of Novarel and stabs me in the ass with it and I’m on my way!  We inseminate in the morning.  Still as excited as ever…wheeeeeeeeeee.

HSG Test. OPEN TUBES!

Yuck. I went in yesterday morning for an HSG radiology test of my uterus (for those unfamiliar its when they shoot dye into your uterus via catheter and take xrays to see if the dye flows thru your fallopian tubes) and yeay!! mine opened and the dye flowed!  At first one of them didn’t want to but with more forceful thrusts of the dye–it opened.  Secretly of course I keep convincing myself that maybe THIS is what I needed.  Just to open up my tubes and flush them out a little and I’ll be good to go!  (Research does show a slight improvement of pregnancy rates following the HSG test so hey I’m crossing my fingers!)

All of my blood tests have been fine, O+.  I don’t have syphilis or HIV…or any Hepititises.  Whew.

The only lab report to come back slightly abnormal so far has been the Free Testosterone.  The RE doesn’t even understand this…she doesn’t even normally test the Free T!?!?  I’m a freak what can I say.

So a LOT has happened this month…I will try to recap and bring this blog up to speed.  I have not been filming much so I need to document somewhere right!

First of all, I ended up eventually getting my period–after 45 agonizing nausea induced days.  Everyone thinks I’m crazy and “just occasionally have a long cycle”–Okay, sure.  It just happens to also come right after we inseminate…and accompanied with nausea, sore nipples, larger tits!?  WTF, I’m not crazy.  I live in this iggnunt body ALL THE TIME.  However, the RE has agreed that there might be a progesterone problem…and plans to test my levels after we inseminate.

I think I keep getting pregnant and then lose the little fertilized thing because either the egg was too old (late OV) or that my progesterone drops.  Either way it has majorly SUCKED to feel off-and-on pregnant for the past 10 months…with nothing to come of it anyway.

So this cycle has flown so far. I’m not temping anymore.  I just can’t stand waking up and doing that for a while.  Its been so long.  I did a ton of blood tests, now the HSG test, and started Clomid.  Yeah, so much for being au naturale…ugh. I just want us to have a family so bad.  The doctor tries to calm me by saying that its been used for 60 years and has virtually no side effects.  But I still worry about troubles breastfeeding, etc. that I’ve read about with Clomid.

Regardless, I think that my late ovulation is not good.  And I also think that not being able to time my ovulation at all has caused us a lot of panic and money because we are never sure about timing.  The only time that I received a CLEAR SURGE was during our “dry run” month–before we had sperm!  I’m extremely excited to try this cycle…

TTC is really much easier for a child raised in the crazy way that I was.  My mother left me ALL THE TIME with different parts of our family–and by “leave” I mean leave.  Like enroll me in school and share a bedroom with cousins.  But she always promised to come back.  She always assured me that we’d have a happy family someday…but like a dumb child, I continuously believed in her.  No one else did.  But I did.  I dreamed and waited for that day.  It conditioned me to forgive her, over and over.  Dust myself off and keep believing.  So this TTC business is no different for me.  Sure, each and every time I’m devastated and cry. I blame everyone around me. I blame my mother, my brother for the horrible things he said to me…and then I flip right back around and start believing all over again.

I go to the beach with my latina. She carries me around in the water and we smile like we’re stupid at the shinning sun above us and reflecting off of Lake Michigan.  I believe.  Every single time.

Thanks Mom.

BFN…

So after the weekend camping trip in Michigan with my family (which I had to stay completely sober for) and feeling queasy and weird and late…I decided to test today because it is the beginning of our week of stacation.  I have lots of projects that I need to focus on this week.  I spend way too much time at work and coping with life. I need more time to work on my art.  Its the only thing that makes me really happy.  So I wanted to just know so that I can deal with it, accept the loss of this cycle, and just go on for a little while not thinking about it!  Sometimes I think that I just can’t take my temperatures anymore.  Maybe I will feel differently when the next cycle starts, but I am just so tired of over-focusing on TTC…the first thing when I wake up every morning, when I have sex, when I think about my future…its kinda crazy.  So I’ve also decided that I’m not gonna get all upset and crazy when I get my period.  Its just retarded to be that dramatic.  Sure the sperm is expensive, but I can make more money. I have lots more eggs to experiment with! And at least now I can go to a fertility doctor to see “why”.

The good news is that DCI may have fucked up my cycle but it is making me a more leveled out person, maybe its making both of us a little more leveled out.  We’ve been getting along so much better.  We enjoy every moment we spend together again, its felt like the old days with us, and the focus is not so “all about baby making all the time”…The camping trip made me kind of realize that maybe its just not time–and when it is time–it will happen in some way.  I’m not running out of time.  I’m just getting started with my art business endeavors.  Perhaps there’s a higher being that just thinks that I should wait because a baby might slow me down…

I have to focus on our projects now.  We have a paid commercial spot for a really neat alternative psychology treatment. M has a brand new exciting job.  There is always good around, even though sometimes its hard to see it.

I’m going to seriously look into adoption options for gay people.  I know they suck, but I’m gonna look into it when I can.  Then maybe we can try again with the same donor sperm in September.  I need to figure out my new DCI-induced cycles now…and perhaps I can get a vignette trailer edited together to scout out some funding for our TTC Documentary Project.

Crazy Cycle, D-chiro inositol & Insem…

Ugh, it was like gambling with $600! I’m just way to uptight about money to do that! I have a much easier time gambling with money when it comes to film equipment.  Sperm is just so…fleeting.  I can’t hold it in my hands like a fancy new light kit…well at least I don’t want to.

I have no idea why the DCI (d-chirol inositol) would have caused me to NOT OVULATE when I have ovulated every single month we have been charting…going on a year now.  Ugh, I never believed it would take this long.  The women in my family have babies against their will.  They give them away.  But I’m different.  I’ve always been different I guess.  For that, I am grateful. So like all things–I have to accept the good with the bad.  Its just the way I am.

They did the hormone blood test on day 3 and everything was fine–EXCEPT the free testosterone was too high. Ugh, yeah obviously…

This cycle I even broke down and went to a fertility specialist.  She said the dildocam gave good images of a healthy normal uterus & ovaries…

Why is the medical field so experimental yet costs soooo much?  Why doesn’t anyone know shit about lesbians hormones?  Ya’d think the religious right would be funding that research to try to “medicate their gay offspring” to be “normal” or something equally crazy.

I really think the DCI has reduced my testosterone though. I’m not as CRAZY about sex, I sleep a little more, and I’ve had less problems with mood swings.  The only real problem is the lack of ovulation signs.  I got a crazy amount of egg white on like CD 25!?!? WTF.  It was like 4 days after we inseminated so if that’s when I ovulated–we’re back at the crap table!  Maybe its just making me ovulate more?  Who the hells knows…I’m gonna go back to the fertility doctor after I get my period, to do more testing.

This cycle is kind of nice because I don’t have any expectations.  The waiting and wondering and then the bleeding are just getting to me.  I’m a strong baby dyke that can take a lot of pain.  My entire personality was shaped by heartache & pain…but these brutal cycles have really taken a toll on me.  BUT, it’s funny because the weather has completely changed my take on it all together.  I really think I can handle the trying and failing in the warm, nice weather with sun.  The gray Chicago days of winter (51 days straight of below freezing temperatures & over a foot of snow) made it absolutely HORRIBLE.  I will not try through the winter again.  It was a total waste.  My mind was not stable enough.  It was just something to occupy my crazy mind.  Thankfully I realize that now…

Wish we had some of that money back to try during the nice weather!  I’m stupid for being impatient and wanting to try during the horrible cold.  I just see babies everywhere and I want that future for us.  We’re not a typical couple, and we certainly wouldn’t be typical parents, but we would be good ones.  I know that.  And if anything, this brutal process has taught me that my partner is a dedicated, devoted, strong-loving person that would be an amazing parent.

And that amazing lady is starting her NEW job soon! Today is the last day of her current job–we vacation–and she starts at the new digs downtown with a view of a ferris wheel.  Perfect for her personality, seriously.  Its a whole new chapter for us…and we are extremely excited.  Chicago pulls us back in for another go’round!

17 DPO…

Wow. Talk about nerve wracking!  I have failed FOUR pregnancy tests in the past few days, yet I can’t sleep because of the heartburn & nausea for over a week!  However, I just keep telling myself…”no news is good news right?” Right.  But it is still a little hard to block out of my mind.  I had never been prepared for how upsetting it is to see blood.  I wouldn’t have believed it–that “I” would be that upset or surprised.  But we had another close call 7 mos. ago but looking back I don’t think that I was pregnant at all.  I think that I was taking excessively large doses of tincture vitex and caused my progesterone to shoot through the roof.  This caused me to develop pregnancy like symptoms THE DAY after my ovulation.  It was way too soon to show those kinds of signs…but we both wanted it sooooo bad.  We just believed and went with it.  It was one of the happiest 2 weeks of our time since we moved to Chicago.  So I wouldn’t trade it…

But seeing the blood just hurt so much.  I fear that now.  And to top it off, I have to pee every 2 hours so I have to fear it very often. 

Nevertheless, I would not trade this time either.  We are closer and stronger than we have been in years.  Our sights are set, our aim is clear.  We WILL HAVE A BABY.

Heartburn.

Ugh, I woke up Saturday morning with horrible heartburn and it really has not subsided much since!

It’s strange because when I was on the Vitex tincture, I had very similar symptoms and upsets only much earlier after my ovulation. This came on after the 6th DPO and has not let up at all! It’s better when I eat, but then immediately returns and makes me belchy and a little nauseous.

I’ve been kind of emotional and having a few mood swings…and I have this incredible urge to clean…even while almost vomiting, I managed to vacuum the ENTIRE apartment from top to bottom.

Only a few more days to wait.
We are officially at 11DPO…

Swings

God our lives swing in the craziest directions…

I’m still waiting for my surge. My cervix has moved farther away and we have started to see the “waterfall” of CM. We’ll see what happens tonight. I just hope that my pending cold doesn’t screw things up this time. I have been drinking water constantly in the hopes of battling it. We just have not had a good try since our first time…when I actually did end up with a weird chemical pregnancy kind of situation…

I have to admit that I was kind of thrilled to go to the clinic to pick up the vials in our rented tank and see that they had little red caps!! Little red caps for red skinned folks. I dig it…and our little Chickpea will too. I think the girl was surprised and thought–”oh these aren’t yours, cuz you’re ol’ whitey”–but alas–they are mine!! I really really want to get pregnant this time. I feel like it is finally time. When we started we were so out of sorts and confused about everything. But during the past few months we’ve really worked out some big dramas. I’m so thankful to have a lady that is so perfect for me. It kind of scares me sometimes and I think that maybe I dreamed her up and she really doesn’t exist…and maybe these past 7 and a half years were all just a long drawn out dream.

Especially because I think back on some of the middle parts and feel like I’m missing time. But not anymore. I know now what I was blinded with. It’s just so incredibly clear.

So to make things even more exciting, the lady has had it out with her bosses at work for the past few days and plans to put in her two weeks notice in the next few days. She’ll also be paid out on her vacation but it’s looking like we’re going to be flapping in the wind again. No where to really turn, in a city that eats people up and spits them out homeless every single day.

I’m frightened, but I can’t stand the thought of her being mistreated and unhappy another week–so fuck it! We’ll live. Somehow. We always do.

I’m feeling the creativity jag coming on so I better sign off and work on my latest script project and figure out where I can get a reasonable DV tap cleaner for our mac daddy camera.

Here’s to hoping that those two little red capped vials of colombian sperm are golden!
~F

Approaching…carefully

Ugh.  I’m becoming a nervous wreck about my pending ovulation.  We have missed my ovulation the past TWO cycles in a row!  I think because of the horrible cold weather and my body just wanting to shut down and hibernate.  But I’m slowly starting to feel the burn and hoping that I can stay on top of it for this cycle and actually perform the two inseminations without drama…

We spent a small fortune on these vials and then realized that we MISSED it, right after they arrived.  We had to store the vials at our local clinic and then hunt and search around for a tank to use this ovulation!  Whew.  It’s been crazy to say the least.  But I am sooooo excited.  It’s a whole new clinic with a brand new donor.

Also, the biggest exciting part of this new cycle is that Mariela and I really seem to be working out some HUGE issues that have been beating down our door AND that she went for acupuncture for the first time and…WOW.  I have never seen such a dramatic change in someone in my life!  Sex crazed!!!