No idea why the miscarriage – BUT we will start IVF again, after a whole cycle of birth control pills. Wow, the waiting…its incredible. I’m thankful for my crazy job during these crazy times though. A sense of purpose is important. I might have lost my mind.

In other news, the lady and I took the old Jetta COMPLETELY apart last weekend to remove the competition stereo system filling the car. It was a total blast. I learned a ton. I want to put it back IN the new Jetta…even though that seems crazy. I’ve been able to do pretty much anything I put my mind to…well almost everything.
*growing up in a crack house – getting out
*going to a top 25 university – graduating
*moving across the country on $400
*moving to Chicago with absolutely no job or money
…maybe I’m just not thinking about this baby thing enough. But then again, life must go on! It can’t all be about babies! Wheeeee!

It’s fuckin crazy. I dont know why this is so hard. We are both adoptees and would have liked nothing more than to adopt a needy baby. BUT the laws and intrusions of adoption for gay couples is absolutely crippling, not to mention the need to fork over $35 THOUSAND dollars!! That is my child’s education!!! The world just seems so incredibly cruel and cold. I want to run away.

Maybe we’re just destined to not have kids. Maybe we’re supposed to work on our art and tell our own crazy adoption stories…but the truth is that I have misplaced my art in all of this waiting for a child. I can’t even find myself most days.

I hate being a dyke failing at this. It makes me feel so betrayed by my gender, like I just don’t fucking belong.

Thankfully I have the best insurance that money can buy & it’s paying for genetic testing to see if there is actually something wrong with me. If so, we will move on to donor eggs! We live in a world where we can “adopt an embryo” that doesn’t NEED anyone, but not the babies that do. Rock on.

I’m so excited and anxious about this IVF cycle. I hope there’s nothing wrong with my eggs…and I hope they get a lot of strong ones. We could certainly use them! I want four…or five babies…just not at once! It’s been a stressful month so far: my car is probably dead forever, so I’m spending a lot doing the car share rentals to get to my early ass appt’s and then bus-it to work, my computer at home crapped out, so I have to stay actually AT work soooo long to deal with my increasingly overwhelming job! It’s nuts right now…

But the only reason I’m still here, in the ray race, is for our family. It WILL happen soon. I just know it.

P.S. I asked M to become unionly civilized this summer for our 10 year anniversary! Yay for being separate but equal in ILLINOISE!

Well, whatever, I go back to the Doc tomorrow morning to see if its finally let go! I had to get into a slight altercation with the pharmacist this morning because they told me that I could not refill my birth control pills because they are not due yet. I’m on the sugar pill days–but my Doc told me that I need to stay on the damn BCP until after I start the Lupron and the HCG is gone…I had to get all loud but needless to say, I got what I wanted and left. Hmm.

So this giant box of medicines arrived and I have to say that I am somewhat overwhelmed.  There are enough syringes to start a methadone clinic out of our bedroom!  I’m so thankful that M’lady has taken the meds kind of seriously. She reads them and uncharacteristically remembers much more than I do.  This is so fucking far from what we ever imagined for us to start a family.  We’re pretty granola and used to be even more so…M’lady won’t even eat artificial foods, so this is a long way for us.  But its a true testament to how committed we are to having a family of our own–and its a testament to how crazy this TTC journey can get.  You may stand at the other end of a two/three year journey and think…how the hell did we get here?  Who are we?

I’m more committed now than ever to returning to the people that we were.  I’m doing this IVF because I want a baby and a family for us, but it is not going to make or break me.  I am me–baby or not.  And we are us…parents or not.

The beautiful thing about us has always been our spirit.  We’re dreamers.  We moved to Phoenix on $400.  We passed through Nashville for one night and ended up staying 2 years.  We woke up one day and decided to leave Nashville, so we did, that day.  If this doesn’t work out–we’ll wake up one day and decide to bolt out of here too.  Together, still us.

Adoption just doesn’t feel right.  Even if I could afford it.  We’re both adoptees, so that seems really fucking stupid.  Maybe it is.  Maybe we will digest that and find a way.  I crossed the line of wanting to…but then realized that its just so expensive.  Its not fair.  Insurance companies should have to pay the adoption agency bills just like they would for me to have a baby!  What a crazy world we live in!  The systems don’t seem to care about the babies that are already here…but then we’re living proof of that.

What a big door this is,
but I’m ready to step through it,

I started the morning off by ordering Sperm,
a brand new donor,
Happy Birthday to me,
For a change of pace, I opted to buy the baby photos…

I’m going for the right color, and ethnicity this time…
His fat baby pics are the most adorable thing ever…

Then my Nurse called to tell me Happy Birthday,
approved.

A whole new kind of whirlwind…here we go.

We would NEVER have chosen fertility drugs and doctors…
But your view can do a complete 180 when you’re faced with extremely high sperm costs and adoption discrimination–not to mention the extremely odd situation of open adoption.  We’re both adoptees and its such a weird topic to consider open adoption.  It just doesn’t sit well.  I’ve never had a family of my own, being adopted and bounced around to sit on the outskirts of other people’s families…I find it so extremely hard to deal with the idea of having “the real mother” out there and my kids feeling like I did–missing something that doesn’t even exist.

So we’ve moved on to fertility medicines and a charming doctor that makes me believe in him.  He has a good smile.  I trust them for some reason.  Unfortunately this was our first try with him and it failed.  But it was my very first IUI and I didn’t react well to the Chl0mid.  Didn’t react well meaning I flipped out and exploded volcanic firey flames at every single person in my life.  And then I slammed the door in someone’s face at work.

And then the local sperm bank proved to be a complete joke–unprofessional and basically a mess with no diversity in their sperm selection: surprise.  How…Midwestern.

So it was a panic and rush to get one vial of sperm from California here before the egg dropped.  But I wasn’t nearly as devasted this time to “fail” because I believe there is a way.  They ran ten thousand dollars worth of tests to determine that I am “normal”…just too fat.  Fortunately my new job keeps me so busy I fail to eat!

I’m still staunch with my acupuncture.  She believes in us sometimes more than I think we ever could.  I’ve never met a spirit so capable of giving care and kindness so willingly to people.  It is truly a gift she possesses.  I’ve wanted to give up and burn to the ground and she just won’t let it happen.  She’s amazing.

The new year is comin’ and I am getting ready.  We’ve decided that we deserve twins at this point.  One baby for each year of trying.  I’m gonna hold the universe to it!
“Never give up-try, really try…”-Grey Gardens.

He was concerned about his inheritance or somethin…
Honestly, I don’t quite understand it.  If its money, it wouldn’t be an issue.  The child WILL be adopted by my partner within 3 months because we live in the great state of Illinois, Cook County in particular.

I was seriously disappointed for a day or so. Then I dusted myself off and started searching through donor profiles. I was a little disgusted that M wasn’t as interested to sort through them, but I realize that its still a little early. But when I ovulate, I get crazy–either extremely baby crazy, or just totally wild. Like I want to dress like a whore…grab my red lipstick and say “SEE YA!”

At first, I was so disappointed with the frozen donor options now.  We very much wanted to begin again with a fresh outlook with the frozen donor.  We’ve always wanted Colombian, but now I feel that its more important to just be Hispanic and preferrably taller.  Our previous donors were hovering around “short” and maybe that just doesn’t work well with my genetics.  I like tall men, period. But all of our donor options were slim or IUI only; I started to feel so cursed.  And then we found a perfect option.  At least, I’m convinced that he’s the PERFECT option and a belief in something so strong has to be positive for our outcome, right!  He’s incredible.  Tall, hispanic, creative…

That’s all we need.
And then today…I got a positive OPK for THE FIRST TIME!!!  I’ve never had one of those fuckin plastic things smile at me about anything!  Whew!  However, the big downer is that last month I seem to have ovulated on Day 19…this month its looking like Day 22.  That sucks.

Day 22 for a surge just really sucks.  But my egg white was amazing, albeit a little early…and my temperatures are completely stable thanks to acupuncture.
Its the one month countdown to begin.

Welcome back Spring! We’re ready.
[roll the tape.]

Yeah, so its been a long time.  We’ve taken a huge, needed, break from TTC–but not entirely.  The Lady M & I have been going to acupuncture religiously and its made a good deal of difference to my cycle.  I seem to have finally recovered from the Clomid desert and am feeling so ready to try again.  I wish that I could get some of the weight off, so I’m trying to make some livable changes–like majorly reducing my sugar intake by cutting out coffee entirely because of its acidity.  I drink giant mochas every day if unrestrained!  I’m also trying to eat more vegetables to help with my bodies pH.

We’ve moved to an amazing “green” apartment with low voc paints & carpets, recycled rubber linoleum & countertops.  It has a rooftop garden to increase the air quality with swings, a fireplace, and a water fountain.  You name it. Its awesome!  Its LEED Silver certified and brand new everything.  Its so amazing to go from growing up in a shack–to living in a brand new apartment that no one else has ever lived in!  However, I still find myself hating the city life more and more with each SLOWLY passing winter.

The acupuncturist is amazing.  She has kept me almost sane this winter.  And I feel so ready to try again, blinded in my fertility goggles again–but honestly I dread the frozen sperm game.  The only upside to that is the fact that I have flex money aside for sperm…which really makes me laugh to think about.  It sounds like a far-side cartoon or somethin.  And my cycle now consists of flatlines so it seems like it will be easier to time the insems.  We won’t have to fight over asking for the money (even though it was promised to us) each month.  And we’ve decided to try with 3 vials at a time, at least at first.

But all of a sudden, we’ve been presented with a possible known donor.  Its brought up all sorts of questions & excited us immensely with the increased odds.  We’ve been waiting to hear a definite yes.  I thoroughly appreciate the fact that he wants to seriously consider the ramifications.  But as time goes by without an answer, I’ve begun to expect the no.

I wish it were easier.  I wish the odds were better with frozen…ugh, I just wish we could get onto having a family of our own already…

My lady is so great with the insems. She’s calm & comfortable while dealing with the sperm and vial…it’s out of her character so I know how important it is. The alarm buzzed at 5am and she said “lady, just turn it off–I’m wide awake.” I was so surprised!?!? What have you done with the snoring monster that shares my bed?

She was absolutely perfect. She fed all the animals, walked the dog, and brought me water & vitamins before heading to the bus. I feel calm and thankful that this time was different. Better. Perfect.

I didn’t have to take my fucking temperature every morning and blame myself for all of my failures, before even starting the day. And even better, I won’t have to analyze any early pregnancy symptoms because it will all just be because of the increased progesterone from the shot the RE is doing next week.

I can return to my life for two weeks & just trust the HPT when it’s time. And its a good thing because we start production on a commercial/science info spot this week.

AND I was head hunted at my day job…but more about that when I get more news!

So I call the “Specialty Pharmacy” and find out that I either pay $127 to have the shot now…or I pay $10 to have it tomorrow.  I don’t know what to do.  I’m not the doctor that seems to know all these things! So I just agree to have it shipped and call the doctor.  She’s so awesome.  Very Chicago–we get things done kind of attitude:  “So we’ll wait. Fine.  Call me in the morning.” I go to my office…and low and behold…the fucking air-conditioner is broken!  We can’t open windows–ah hell nah. I’m leaving.  But before I do, the Doc calls! “Okay, I want you to just come on in and let me take a look.” I agree, jump in the car, and get in a fight with two old men in the parking lot (I swear it was a remake of Fried Green Tomatoes, and I was really ready to ram their late model buick with my VW Jetta and not even blink an eye–mega supercharged bitch)!  She checks with the dildocam and yeah!! I have TWO EGGS 19 and 23mm ready to POP!   So excited…

She pulls out a special stash of Novarel and stabs me in the ass with it and I’m on my way!  We inseminate in the morning.  Still as excited as ever…wheeeeeeeeeee.